Malam itu aku tidak dapat tidur. Puas aku memaksa mata ini.... Aku beralih posisi dari kiri kemudian ke kanan tetapi masih tidak dapat melelapkan mata. Kadang-kadang aku mencuri memerhatikan Hans yang enak tidur di atas sofa.
Ini yang aku mahukan? You are save now Tika. You have to move on with your life....tapi macamana aku hendak menyayangi Hans dengan keadaanku yang tidak suci lagi? Aku malu dengan Hans. Aku malu memikirkan nasibku. How am I supposed to deal with my family and Hans's family? Walaupun Hans berkata yang dia ingin aku lupakan perkara yang telah lalu, mampukan mereka melupakannya especially Hans? Mungkin ada baiknya kalau Hans mati tempohari. Than I wouldn't be in this mess. Apa cerita Ghazz sekarang agaknya? Will he be extradite back to Malaysia?
Aku bangun dengan perlahan dan berjalan menuju ke arah Hans and stood staring at him. Ingin saja aku memeluknya just that I could feel safe in his arms. Instead aku menyelimuti Hans dan duduk memandang Hans dengan kusyuknya di tepi sofa. It is really comforting having him next to me. Sambil menelan air liur jari jemariku bergerak dengan perlahan dari tangan hingga ke hujung jarinya. Fikiranku melayang tatkala aku memejamkan mata. Ah, nanti dia terjaga pulak....Aku bingkas bangun tetapi aku rasa tanganku di tarik. Aku terperanjat lalu berlari ke satu ceruk bilik tidur.
"Tika, I'm sorry....I'm sorry...I didn't mean to scare you." Hans memujukku. Dia menghulurkan tangannya untuk mendapat kepercayaanku.
"Come. Let me help you up and we go back to your bed...ok?"Hans patiently trying to persuade me to take his hands.
I hesitate but little by little I extended my hands and finally Hans grabbed my fingers. I pulled back and he let go. "It's ok....you take your time....I am here because I wanna help you. Let me help you Tika." Hans sounded like a psychologist.
Aku masih tidak berganjak. Aku tunduk sambil memekap lututku dengan kedua-dua tanganku. Hans got up and retreat back to the sofa. He lay down and looked at me. Took a deep breathe and placed his hands behind his head.
Yes I still have feelings for him. Times we spent together kept playing in my mind as I stared at him laying on the sofa. I picked up enough strength to get up and walked to my bed. I lay down on my left side so I have a full view of him. We just looked at each other.
"Do you remember the first time we met at Starbucks that morning?" Hans bertanya. Pandangannya masih tertumpu padaku. "You made my heart flutter, just like the feeling when you have butterflies in your stomach....." Hans tersenyum. "It was the best feeling I ever had!"
Aku tersenyum dan mengalih badan ke kananku. Of course aku ingat......silly cow...sebuah senyuman terukir dibibirku.
"I had to asked you if you would like to have coffee with me...Actually I segan in the beginning but kalau I tak tanya I akan menyesal. Glad you said yes." Hans terus bercerita.
Kelakar sungguh Hans.....I turned to my left again and looked at him....I can't help it but smiled at him...."I'm glad you asked me...", aku menjawab.
"That smile you have on now....don't ever lose it....." kata Hans sambil tersenyum.
"And that smile on your face.....is what kept me going all this time, Hans", tiba-tiba aku rasa air mataku jatuh ke atas cadar putih. Aku membiarkan saja. "I am really sorry to trouble everyone concern especially you. You came all the way from Malaysia. I owe you my life. Kalau you tak jumpa I at Starbucks, semua ni takkan terjadikan?"
"Karutlah. Everything happens for a reason. Babe,....so what's going to happen to us? You wanna out of this relationship? You tell me...." Hans sounded he's giving up on me.
"Hans don't give up on me....all I'm asking is some time for me to regain back my confidence. I feel embarrassed not only to myself but to you and your family. I have no words to explain the circumstances I was in. I lost my dignity, Hans...." I got up and sat on the bed facing him.
"Alright. If time is what you want, you'll have it." Hans berkata lalu memejamkan matanya. "Good night".
Part 2.
Aku membaling bantal ke arah Hans, "Is that all you've got?
"Tika, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Ramai lagi orang kat luar di sana yang being ill treated lagi teruk dari you. Just be grateful with what you have Tika. At least you are alive....you gave me strength Tika. I don't think I was able to fight the pain myself when I was hospitalized." he throw back the pillow towards me. Aku membiarkan bantal mengena badanku.
"I am sorry that I wasn't there for you, Hans.....When I was taken away I thought you were,......dead and Ghazz seems to implant that information in my mind. I rasa dunia I gelap. Then the very first time he touched me, I just wanna die....did not imagine that I lost my virginity to a slime like Ghazz....then came the second, the third and later anytime he feels like it. I fulfilled his sexual appetite and is this the woman you still desire?"
I lay down again....."There were times I bled but no one knew. At times my stomach really hurts no one knew. And now I might be pregnant...I'm late by one week."
"I know, I cannot imagine what you went through." Hans berkata.
"Yeah, so stopped judging me then......every night I cried to sleep thinking of you being shot and that I lost you forever. I had nothing left and hell yes, I felt sorry for myself." aku terus mengiring ke kanan.
Hans diam. Aku pun diam. I know he is not sleeping. Akhirnya aku yang terlena.....
Part 3.
Aku terjaga bila aku rasa perutku memulas. Pedih sungguh. Aku bangun dari katil dan memanggil Hans but he is no where in the room. Sambil menekan perut aku berjalan terhoyang-hayang menuju ke bilik air. Aku terasa ada sesuatu mengalir dari celah peha....aku tunduk dan mengangkat bajuku.... ....oh no....aku terkejut. Darah? My monthly period? Mungkin I am not pregnant after all.....tapi kenapa sakitnya....
Buk! aku terjatuh di depan pintu bilik air. Aku gagahkan diri untuk mengesot masuk ke dalam bilik air untuk membasuh diriku. Tapi darah masih banyak lagi keluar. I felt as though I wanna passed out. Aku capai tuala yang tergantung di pintu shower dan cuba mengelap lantai yang kini sudah di penuhi dengan darah. Baunya sangat hanyir sehingga aku sendiri hendak muntah. Aku tak larat lagi untuk bergerak........
The next thing I knew, I was laying in a hospital bed. As I opened my eyes I saw Hans sitting next to me and caressing my hand.
"Hans..., where am I?", aku bertanya.
"Babe, (diangkatnya tanganku lalu dikucupnya beberapa kali) alhamdulillah you dah sedar. You are now in the hospital. Housekeeping found you passed out in the hotel room." Hans menjelaskan.
"There's was so much blood. I tried to wipe off the floor....", Hans mencelah....
"Shhhh.... sudah, sudah, don't talk, you rehat ok. I'll go and get the doctor", sambil melepaskan tangan aku. Aku menarik tangan Hans kembali...
"I looked for you but you tak ada tadi.....please don't leave me alone Hans", aku tidak mahu ditinggalkan bersendirian.
"I have to get the doctor. Sekejap saja ya....just close your eyes and count to twenty. I'll be back before you reach fifteen." convinced Hans and he left.
A few minutes later Hans came back with the doctor. He took my blood pressure and temperature.
The doctor smiled and said, "Miss Atikah right? Everything looks stable. You blood pressure has stabilized and you have not developed a fever. That's very good. You are a strong woman. We manage to stop the bleeding. You had a miscarriage and you have nothing to worry. You still can try again to get pregnant. Your husband was very worried about you. He insisted to be in the O.R. when we performed the D & C.", terang doctor muda itu.
"Miscarriage? Husband? Ghazz? Hans?", aku terkedu....sudah pastinya anak Ghazz....aku menangis bukan kerana sedih akan kehilangan anak yang aku kandungi tapi menangis relief kerana anak si iblis telah berjaya di lupuskan. Am I being mean when I said that? Anak itu tak berdosa.....
"Please get a lot of rest and I will come back to see you again tomorrow", pesan doktor sebelum dia melangkah keluar.
"Doctor, I don't want to stay here. I want to go back to the hotel. Hans, please Hans?" aku memujuk doktor dan Hans. Hans has never left my side. Stood there holding my hand.
"We would encourage you to stay over night here for observation but you seem to have stabilized ....wait let me check your medical record and speak with the nurses. I'll be back." And the doctor with perfect American accent left.
Aku memaling ke arah Hans, "Hans, boleh ya? I nak balik ke hotel. I tak mahu tinggal di sini....". Hans mengangguk tanda setuju. "Let's wait for the doctor, ok?", he said and came closer and gave me a kiss. Aku hanya membiarkan. Air mataku mengalir dengan deras. He wiped if off.....
On the way back to the hotel, berkumandang di radio lagu yand menjadi penemanku dikala aku merindui Hans. Our eyes never left each other. I was in his arms..............
Credit to Szilvi29 and You Tube
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