Chapter 38 - Ekspektasi

Part 1.

The next morning, we met Iddin at D’Tas for breakfast. Hans updated Iddin about company matters and this weekend’s annual dinner at The Kabin. This year’s  theme will be ‘Hawaian Night’.  Iddin informed that he will be going to Klang to visit his parents this morning and drive to The Kabin himself tonight.

“All right drive carefully. By the way keep your calendar free next Saturday night.  I haven’t discussed yet with Tika but I’m planning to do a kenduri doa selamat at my new house and followed by a barbeque buffet. Mostly, relatives and a few close acquaintances. Can we have a kenduri, babe?” Hans bertanya pada aku. Aku menganggukkan kepala ku saja.

Iddin memerhati aku seperti dia tahu ada yang tak kena. Aku hanya banyak berdiam diri and try not to interrupt their conversation.

Hans stood up and walked to the counter to pay for breakfast. Iddin looked at me and smiled, “You okay ke? Macam ada yang tak kena saja?”.

“Hmmm…no everything is okay. That's Hans…..suka buat surprise. From the first time I met him until today, he has his way of dropping bomb on me….one after the other. I guess I have to get used to it.” Aku mencurahkan my emotions to Iddin.

“He’s a great guy, Atikah. I’m sure he means well…..you’re so lucky….Truthfully, kadang-kadang bila I tengok you dengan Hans,...I pulak rasa jealous. Jealous dengan kebahagian you.”, Iddin tried to comfort me. His eyes never left my face.

“I know but at least discuss la dulu dengan I. Tak de la I terkejut …..tiba-tiba annual dinner, tiba-tiba pindah rumah baru, tiba-tiba nak buat kenduri….ni belum lagi wedding reception”, I explained.

“Well, kalau dia beritahu you then you tak surprise la kan….”, Iddin laughed.

“What kind of answer is that….you tak akan faham punya…..”, aku naik benggang. Iddin smiled and shook his head.

“Babe, you’re  ready?”, Hans came back to our table.

“Yes, so I’ll see you later tonight?”, as I shook Iddin’s hand. I was actually looking forward seeing him tonight. Apart from Hans, Mom and Dad, I barely know anyone else at the event tonight.

“Yes, Looking forward to it…”, and he let go of his hand. “Bro, I pun make a move,….nak surprise kan my parents…..”, he laughed and looked at me. Saja la tu nak kena kan aku….

When we arrived at our apartment and Hans asked, “How about going to my parents’ house for lunch today?”

“Hmmm….okay, I like that….I pun ada a few gifts nak bagi your mom and dad. Hana ada sana ke? What about your children? Will they join us for lunch juga?” I replied with lots of questions.

“Wowww….banyaknya soalan you…let me see….yes,…yes,…and yes……the answer to your questions.” Hans replied. “Come here you……”.

I walked over to him and sat on his lap. Both my arms are already around his neck. He gently clutched my waist and took a deep breath a few seconds and exhale. My cheek brush up against his face. He gently rubbed my back a few times as I stroke his hair. As I pull away, I kept my hands on him. We looked into each other’s eyes, smile, and I speak from the heart. “I love being in your arms, Hans. I really do….”. And we hugged again.

“I love you so much babe….I am sorry I didn’t discussed about the kenduri with you earlier but the idea just popped out of my mind.” Hans confessed. He laid a kiss on my forehead.

“Hmmm….it was indeed a surprised after what we discussed yesterday. I was a little bit upset but I’m okay now. Kalau baik buat you, baik jugalah buat I….”, and I just place my head on his chest and closed my eyes. Acoustic Alchemy was playing in the back  ground. We sat there silently in each other’s arms.

That afternoon we headed to Hans’s parents’ house for lunch. Each and every one was so welcoming. I was a very nervous about their reaction towards me with being kidnapped, abused, rape and miscarriage but I was wrong. They accepted and welcome me with open arms. They were glad that I have recovered from the incident and happy when we shared the news about my pregnancy. Mom and Dad was obviously happy with new addition to the family.

We distributed gifts to all even Makcik Esah the housekeeper also received a designer’s purse. It was very thoughtful of Hans and they were happy with their gifts.

I was finally introduced to Hans children from his previous marriage. Andrian and Andry are 15 and 13 and greeted me with salams and hugs. I was so touched.

"Hello, I'm Atikah. It's really nice to meet you guys finally. I have been looking forward to meet you both in a looonng time." I greeted and smile nervously.

"Is it true that you are married to my Dad?", asked Andry, the younger sibling as he held my hand. "What should I call you?"

"Well Andry, I haven't the slightest idea....what do you like to call me?", I asked him back.

Hans who was standing closed suggested, "Well there's mama, or Umi or Ibu...or emak, mummy...."

Andrian who has been very quiet spoke out, "I already have a mummy......".

"Andrian, that's not very......" Hans tried to reason with his son. I sat on the sofa, held his arm to stop him from speaking further and said, "Yes, you have a mommy. I am not trying to replace your mommy. I am sure she wonderful. She will always be your mother."

Andry tugged my hand and looked at his brother who has been on a defensive mode, "Abang, ini Ibu kita la. Now we have two moms. Can I call you Ibu?", he looked at me.

I smiled, "Sure, you call me Ibu. I love that very much." Wow, that was stressing......but it went well than expected but I can see Andian has a slight resentment towards me a bit. It will take sometime to gain his confidence to accept me in his life. Hans looked relief as he winked at me.

I walked over to Dad and pulled him a side. Andry was still clutching my hand. “Dad, I wanna return the credit card. Thank you very much. I purchased 3 items while I was in Rome with this card.”, aku menghulurkan kad kredit kepada bapa mertuaku.

Dad was surprised and he replied, “No you keep it, it’s yours. Just don’t spend all at one place….”, he smiled and tapped my shoulder a few times.

“But dad, I don’t feel comfortable, nanti apa pulak kata Hans……”, I replied. Then he came closer to my ears and whispered, “Don’t worry hang on to it, in case of emergency. Kalau Hans has problem with it, let me deal with him. Who knows nanti you tiba-tiba nak beli Chanel handbag ke, you can use the card…….you keep it. Ikhlas from me…”, and he laughed out loud. So I put back the card in my pocket.

Makcik Esah prepared a huge banquet from rendang daging, sambal sotong, ikan kerapu masak tiga rasa, gado-gado,….benar-benar menyambut kepulangan kami yang lama kepingin masakan melayu.

Selesai makan tengahari, Mom and me berbincang tentang our wedding reception while Dad and Hans was discussing business and about the new architect they hired, Fazidin. Macam-macam plan ibu Hans dan aku hanya menurut because I still remember Hans told me it’s a must to announce our wedding to our relatives, friends and business acquaintances. Ballroom have been booked, catering confirmed, guest list almost complete, cuma menunggu my list saja. I was given 200 seats for my guest. I told Mom that I will e-mail her my guest list first thing Monday morning. Wedding dress needs to be fitted for the reception. “I leave it all to you Mom. What’s best for you, I’m sure it’s best for me. Tika ikut saja.” I told Mom.

“Hah…senang kerja Mom. “ she said and  hugged me.

“Mom thanks for lunch. We should be heading to The Kabin to check out the preparation of tonight’s event.” Hans said and bent to kiss his Mom.

“Take care you both. We’ll see you tonight. Ni, Hana baru call and she sends her  regards. Dia tak dapat datang this afternoon sebab dia balik Kuching. Hans, you take care of Tika tu, dia meengandung, don't forget that ya....” Mom replied back.

We said our good byes . I kissed Andry. He hugged me hard. "Ibu, next week Ibu datang dengan Daddy ambik Andry and abang ya kat rumah Bibi Nyonya ya." and I replied, "Of course Ibu datang." I kissed him on his head. Andrian shook my hands like a gentleman and stepped back.

..........and we left the house. 

Part 2.

It was less than 50 minutes when we arrived the Kabin. After checking in we went straight to our cabin. It was small with basic amenities. I looked at Hans and Hans looked back at me. “I think I rasa claustrophobic…you are too tall and I don't think you will fit in the bed.”, and I laughed. He laughed too and nodded. “But, kind of romantic jugak…”, he replied. “So what do you wanna do now?”. Hans asked.

“Well, lets walk around here and the check out the event location. Sibuk-sibuk sikit then let’s walk the to the beach and watch the sunset.”, and that was my plan.

“Babe, I like your plan….”’ And he kissed me. “Jom!”

That night we were dress in Hawaian costume; Hans in his Magnum PI Hawaian shirt and me in a long kaftan with high slits on both side which I purchased from Emporio Le Sirenuse. Hand in hand we walked over to the pool and Hans started to introduce me to his colleagues.

I saw Mom and Dad and I was introduced to Hans & Hans top guns. Then I saw Iddin and I was looking forward to see him and his wife. I went over to him and greeted him, "Hi, finally someone I know personally.....so you should introduce me to your wife. Is she here?" I asked and peeking behind him.

He looked around and looked puzzled, "Didn't I mentioned I was coming alone?".

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought.....", then he cut me off, "Well, you thought wrong.", and he walked passed by me. That was rude of him.....what's going on here......?

I was seated at the main table and as the event went on... Half and hour into the live performance I excused myself to go to the ladies. The truth I was actually trying to catch a glimpse of Iddin but he was no where to be seen. Then I heard his name was called on to the stage. I stopped and looked back at the stage and there he was. The MC introduced him as the new architect who recently joined the company. But what was he doing on stage?

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Mr. Fazidin who agreed to sing a song for us tonight." said the MC.

MC : "So Mr. Fazidin, what song will you be singing for us tonight?"
Iddin : "I haven't sang in a while and had a little practice today but I like to sing an Indonesian song called Ekspektasi."
MC: "You are such a sport. Ladies and gents please give a warm applause to Mr Fazidin....!"

Iddin took the microphone and sat on a high stool. Then the music started to play.......with a guitar and flute player.

Credit to MusicEverywhereNet and You Tube

sakit hatiku ooh oooh

sakit melihatmu dengannya

ini malam terakhir

benar-benar terakhir

harapan tinggi jatuh

menguap tak berbentuk

nyata bukan pertanda

hanya pikiranku saja

harapan itu semua

sulit tuk ku percaya

sampai akhirnya ku lihat sendiri

sakit hatiku ooh oooh

sakit melihatmu dengannya

ini kenyataannya, tinggal melupakanmu saja

janji diri sendiri terakhir malam ini oooh oooh

sakit hatiku ooh oooh

sakit melihatmu dengannya

mana mungkin hati ini

terbuai ekspektasi tinggi

jika tak berawal indah

sampai akhirnya kau hancurkan

sakit hatiku ooh oooh

sakit melihatmu dengannya

sakit hatiku ooh oooh

sakit melihatmu dengannya

sampai akhirnya aku lewati malam ini

When the song ended he received a thunderous applause. The ladies were wooed by his singing and a few were giggling and whistling.....Iddin was a hit tonight. Even Hans and Mom gave Iddin a standing ovation.

But the song was saying a different thing......it kinda hit me in my stomach!

He bowed and was about to walked off the stage when the MC stopped him.

MC : Mr Fazidin......., don't go yet.......come stand next to me, you have got talent. Look at the ladies semuanya duduk tak diam......are you married?
Iddin : (Smiled)....yes, I am....
The ladies went....aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
MC : Does the song has special meaning? As though, you sang it straight from the heart....., penuh perasaan.......betul tak ladies?"
Yaaaaaaaa.......................there was laughter.....
Iddin : Maybe,......no, not really. Thank you.
Iddin waved to his fans and left the stage.

I stood there........numb.

Chapter 37 - Playing for time

Part 1.

We landed at KLIA airport and went though immigration and while waiting for our luggage Hans was already on his mobile; reading his text messages and making calls. I checked my cellphone but nothing. No messages. I updated my Facebook....

> Safely arrived KL. Welcome home to the real world:) <

Hans walked over to Iddin who stood next to me and they exchanged a few words. Then Hans collected our luggage. 

We walked past customs and straight through the exit door. Outside there was a car waiting for us.

“You're okay babe?”, Hans asked and kissed me on the cheek.

“Yup.” I answered short and simple.

All three of us got into the car.

“Fazidin, we will put you a night in Cyberjaya.” Hans said to Fazidin. I looked at Iddin as he nodded a few times. 

We arrived at Cyberview Hotel and Resort around eleven in the morning. We got out and headed to the reception to check Iddin in the hotel.

“Okay man, you have a good rest. I will come by again later to drop off my car and you can drive it around until your new car is ready. I'll call you before I leave the house.”, and both man shook hands. I went over to shake hands with Iddin. “Take care and sleep well”, I said. I let go and took Hans hand and we waved Iddin goodbye.

We arrived at our apartment complex and the driver was very helpful as he carried our bags to our penthouse unit. For the first time I am now a permanent residence here.

“Thanks Hans for your hospitality...” and I kissed him. He kissed me back. Aku bersyukur kerana aku ada tempat selamat untuk berkongsi hidup dengan Hans. Bismillah Hirrahmannirahim......aku melangkah masuk.

Hans tiba-tiba bersuara,"Just be mind of your steps. Come, hold my hand.". Aku menghulurkan tangan kanan aku as Hans guided me into the apartment.

"Hans, what's going on here? Boxes and boxes and more boxes.....it's a mess...", aku terkejut melihat keadaan ruang tamu yang bersepah. Were we robbed?

"Don't worry. This is part of my surprise to you. Semua barang ni dalam process of shifting to our new house." Hans explained as I looked around the living and dining room. Half filled boxes, furniture wrapped in plastic......

"A house? You're not serious are you? Why do we need a house? I thought you're building a house in Port Dickson? I mean this unit pun good enough for our small family." I said and continued, "Jangan salah anggap, I am sorry but isn't it a waste of money?".

Hans led me to the sofa and explained, "Tika, I'm doing all this for you and also for our children. You guys mean the world to me. I am renting out this unit. We will move to Setia Ecoglades. Plenty of rooms andbigger space for the kids to grow. I want us to start a new life and a place where both of us can call as our own....."

"Well, what can I say…..you have basically made up your mind......". I was a bit disappointed that Hans decided to buy a house without discussing it with me. Aku rasa macam menumpang saja. Maybe my input is not important to him. Aku mendiamkan diri.

Aku berjalan menuju ke bilik tidur, hmmmm….mujur katil masih ada lagi. Then I heard Hans called my name.

"Tika? You don’t sound happy?". Hans couldn’t have guess better.

Aku hanya tersenyum. "Tak da apa-apa lah, I’m okay. I am just tired. I nak take a shower and take a short nap. If it’s alright with you?". Soalan aku seolah menunjukkan ketidak puasan hati aku.

"Yeah, sure you…go a head. I'm sensing that you are not happy about the move. You go and rest. We’ll talk about it later okay babe?"  he said.

Aku terus berjalan masuk ke bilik tanpa menoleh belakang lagi.

"Babe, I love you babe…..", namun aku tidak menjawab kembali. All I think off is hot shower and catching up on my sleep.

After my shower I heard Acoustic Alchemy was playing from the living room. I went over to peak and saw Hans sitting alone on the sofa, watching to their instrumental jazz video clips on TV and smoking a cigarette.

Credit to Wala Lang and You Tube.

"I would love to join you for a cigarette….but...", I said and rubbing my tummy. He immediately put off the cigarette and held out his hands and I sat close to him. "I didn't know you listen to Acoustic Alchemy?". Hans smiled and said, "I went to see their performance at the Java Jazz Festival in 2011". Wah....impressive. Aku yang sudah sekian lama meminati Acoustic Alchemy sejak zaman Universiti pun belum dapat tengok their concert.

"Hans, (I kissed him on his cheek)... I like  to apologized for the  way I acted just now.", and I hold his hands. "I am sorry. Bukan I tak appreciate what you’re doing. I cuma nak you include me in when you decide to do something major like,….buying a house. I tahu it’s your money but I harap you boleh ajak I berbincang sebab I am a part of this family now…..", aku berterus terang.

"I faham and you have every right to be upset with me. I apologized. Silap I jugak. I was overly excited. I wanted everything to be perfect for you when you return home.", he replied.

"Hans, people try so hard to be perfect but they can never be one. Only Allah saja yang perfect. So I minta that you ajak I sekali berbincang okay on,....anything." I added.

"Okay, when are we going to see our new house?" I asked untuk mencairkan hatinya.

He smiled broadly, "I thought you'd never ask....", and he kissed my hand. I hugged him.

Part 2.

After our long talk I fell asleep on the sofa. Hans woke me up around four in the afternoon. I was still tired from the flight and not feeling myself that afternoon tapi aku gagahkan diri ini untuk menemani Hans. He said he wants to prepare dinner. We drove both his and my car which was left in the basement parking since the kidnapping incident. 

We arrived the hotel and saw Iddin was already waiting at the hotel main entrance. Hans and Iddin exchanged a few words and Hans walked back to my car. We drove to Jaya Grocer in Dpulze to get groceries.

While Hans was selecting  fresh salmon I went over to the frozen area to get 3 bags of bagel and then to the cheese section. Yes, found Philadelphia cream cheese. I was already imagining toasted sesame  seed bagel with lots of cream cheese. I smiled from ear to ear.

I walked over to join Hans and placed my bagels in the cart, “Don’t you think of touching them. They’re all mine….”, I grinned at him and gave an evil smile. Hans menggelengkan kepala dan tergelak melihat gelagatku. “Hmmm…, I see that you are eating for two now….?”, sambil matanya memandang ke arah perutku. I giggled.

Sesudah membayar we left Dpulze. Hans drove  to Setia Ecoglades and we reached in front of a semi-detached house. Nice. We stepped out of the car and Hans took out the groceries we bought just now. He opened the main entrance door and said, “After you….”. I smiled broadly as I am now starting to fall in love with the house.

Credit to Setia Ecoglades.com.my

As I stepped in the house, the dining and living area were already furnished. The furniture were brand new. “How did you manage to get this furnished when you were away with me all this time?”, aku bertanya serasa pelik.

“Well, you know,....I know this guy who knows another guy who…..”, and interrupted him. “Hmmm…pandai  je you ni ya. But I have to give you credit, this is a really huge surprise and you got me this time.” I spin around and followed Hans to the kitchen. The kitchen was fully furnished as well. He placed all the groceries in the fridge.

“I naik atas and look around ya?”, I said.

“Sure go ahead. Atas masih without furniture. ” Hans replied. I left Hans in the kitchen and I walked upstairs.

I came down about 10 minutes later. “So macamana? Just take a seat and relax. I belum install TV yet but you can put on the CD player if you want to listen to some music. In the mean time I’m preparing grilled salmon for dinner.” Hans said and started to put on the grill on the stove.

“Can I help?”, I asked and stood next to him.

“I’ll manage it but if you insist you can clean the asparagus, cut the hard end and marinate them with olive oil, salt and pepper.” Hans instructed.

“Sure, I can do that….”, I smiled, looked at him tiptoe a bit to give him a kiss.

At dinner, Hans was telling me his company will be organizing an annual dinner next weekend. He would like me to come and accompany him. There will be performance by local artist, lucky draws and interdepartmental talent competition.  I was so excited to hear about the talent competition and shared my experience when my company had ours two years ago. It will be out of town and we will be putting up two nights at The Kabin in Kuala Selangor.

“So you haven’t told me how you like the house?”. Hans asked. He wiped his mouth with a clean napkin and placed it on the table. He poured ice water in my glass and then into his glass. Placed the water container on the table he then took a sip.

“I like it….very much.", and I just smile. I placed my arm upright and chin rested on my knuckle. I just look at him until it hit me. Should I tell Hans about the kiss between me and Iddin? Does it mean I'm being unfaithful to him? I mean bukannya sengaja I nak cium Iddin but he force himself on me....who am I kidding......aku berlaku curang ke? Ergh.....Houston we have a problem........

"Babe? Babe...?" aku terkejut dari lamunan. "Yes, where was I?" I responded.

"You were some where else.....apa yang you mengelamunkan?", Hans asked and continued to eat asparagus on his plate.

"So how's the asparagus?", aku cuba mengalih tajuk perbincangan.

"Good.....and you are trying to avoid my question....", Hans knew me too well but I smiled and replied, "Tak ada apa-apa. I rasa sungguh bertuah sangat to have you in my life."

Hans looked at me. And it was a strange look on his face. 

Chapter 36 - Kiss of Life

Part 1.

I rush back to my room and didn't look back. How could he do that to me...and how could I kissed him back. Damn.....do I still have have feelings for him or was he just playing tricks with my mind?

I stepped into the room and make sure the door is properly locked. I stood and lean against the door.

"Babe is that you?" I heard Hans calling out for me. I composed myself and walked slowly to where he was sitting.

I sat. "Yup, it's me...." and I smiled but Hans gave me a funny look. Oh my should I tell him that I kissed Iddin?......"Why are you giving me that look?, I said and feeling guilty.

"You didn't have that on when you left earlier..." Hans spotted the sweater I had on. Oh shit! I am wearing Iddin's sweater.

"I forgot my jacket. It was cold outside so Fazidin loan me his sweater....", and I immediately took it off and threw it on the couch. "

"So, how did it go?" Hans was arranging his document into his briefcase.

"Okay I guess, but...." I stopped and lay down on the couch. Hans came over and sat at the other end of the couch. He lift my feet and massage them gently.

"Oooo...it feels so good..." I said sambil memejamkan mata.

"But.....come on tell me...." Hans wants to know what happened.

"Dia tu menyakitkan hati. I don't understand why is it so difficult for him to accept what past is past. Dia tu benggapla....", as I told Hans and at the same time criticizing Iddin.

"Tak baik you cakap orang benggap....", he smiled and keep on massaging my feet.

"Are you defending him?" I got up and looked at him. Hans giggled....

"No I am not defending him, I merely telling you it is not nice to call people names....that's all", Hans explained.

"I wanna go to bed....I don't wanna to talk about this anymore. I met him. I explained, I apologized and too bad if he has a hard time accepting the facts." I stood up but Hans hold my arms.

"Listen, for me I presume this issue dah settled, okay. Just go on with your life, our lives. If he gives you problem again....I'll shot him!" he said. Terbeliak mata aku mendengar.....

"Just kidding lah...you ni tak ada sense of humor la....", Hans giggled and hugged me.

"You ni suka sangat main-mainkan perasaan I....satu hari nanti betul-betul dia rampas I dari you, baru you tahu.....", aku mengenakan dia balik.

"Really? You think so.....then I'll shot him twice", aku mencubit Hans and he started to tickle me.

"I love you Hans....", I said and just fell into his arms. We stayed there in each others arm. Then he swiftly carried me and walked over to the bed. He unzipped and helped me take off my jeans and I slide under the covers. "Stay. Let me go and change. It won't take a minute." he said and left me thinking what he's up to next.

The lights was dimmed and I saw his shadow walking towards me....As he came nearer I can see his well built physic.....I melted. I took a deep breath as he bend over me to give me a kiss. I scooped over so that he can lay down next to me....he had one arm under his head just like the reclining Buddha. We looked at each other....."Close your eyes...." Hans said.

"Close my eyes? Why?", I asked.

"Shhhhh......just close your eyes.....", he said again. And I closed my eyes.....suddenly I can hear a smooth jazz music in the back ground....Hans kiss me on my lips and pulled me closer into his arms. "I love you back...". we fell a sleep in each others arm..........

Credit to You Tube and SadeVEVO

Part 2.

The next morning when I woke up I saw that Hans was laying on his side and staring at me.

"Good morning Precious.....I said to myself if I kept staring at you, you will open your eyes sooner or later....", he whispered. I closed my face with my palms.

"How long have you been staring at me....stop staring at me.", I said. I run my fingers on his face and he grabbed hold of it.

"You like to do that kan?" he asked.

"Do what?" I asked back at him.

"Like what you just did,...running your fingers vertically on my face." he explained.

"I don't know. It's only with you I do that, really. If you are not comfortable with it, I'll stop." I said and looked at him.

"Please don't. I know it's your signature touch and it makes me feel special." Hans said and he does the same on my face. "Any significant meaning?"

"I don't know. Never gave it a thought. It's like I love you...and I am here with you", I replied. I kissed him. "So what's the plan today? What time do we have to leave Positano?" I asked Hans.

"We still have lots of time. We'll shower, have breakfast and finish packing. Our car will be ready by noon to take us to Naples." Hans replied.

"Okay....", I said.

"Okay...", he replied. And we both laughed. We just lay in bed, cuddling and kissing each other.

Later we showered to get ready for breakfast. The thought of bumping into Iddin again terrifies me....Please, I beg Iddin, please leave me alone.....

We walked in the dining room and Hans spotted Iddin eating alone. "Morning Fazidin. Are you all packed? We will leave the hotel around noon." Hans said.

"Hi, guys. Well I'm almost done with packing. I travel light. You guys wanna join me for breakfast?" Iddin looked at me and I turn my head around looking for other unoccupied tables.

"Babe, you're okay with it?" Hans asked. I smiled and said,"Sure", and I sat down. What more could I say......takkan la aku nak tunjuk tantrum aku di sini.

"I'm going to get something to eat...", Hans said and I instantly replied, "I'll come with you....". I am not ready to face Iddin just yet. Iddin just buried his face in his scramble eggs. Malu agaknya now that he knows Hans knew what's going on.

After selecting my breakfast I walked over to the table and Hans was not there. Should I sit alone with Iddin? I don't think I am ready to be alone with him. I had my plate of food and a glass of orange juice in my hand when I saw Iddin looking at me. I had no choice but walked straight and took a sit at his table. I sat quietly and ate my breakfast. I still kept a look out for Hans.

"Hans mentioned that he will be at the reception and settling payment for the hotel rooms.", Iddin suddenly speak up.

"Oh okay....thank you....", I said.

"Are you alright? You ran off last night without thinking about your safety...", Iddin asked.

"My safety? What could go wrong in the hotel premise?", I asked him back.

"Did you forget that you're pregnant? Kalau apa-apa terjadi pada you malam tadi, for example you jatuh ke,....susah I pulak...",Iddin voiced out his concern.

"Nothing happen kan...semua okay....so you have nothing to worry....I can take care of myself...", aku menjawab dengan selamba.

"Sombongnya! Well one thing for sure I can feel that your kiss was real....Tasted much better without your braces.", Iddin passed a remark.

"Really? Terima kasih...." I replied, got up and walked away from the table. I didn't even finished my breakfast.

"Atikah!", Iddin called out my name. "Please jangan lah macam ni. Please sit down and finish your breakfast." Iddin said. He was already standing and walking towards me. He pleaded......"Come on Atikah.....nanti baby you lapar sebab you tak makan", he said.

"Pandai-pandai je you ni......", I walked back to the table and sat down. He lean back against his chair and stared at me. I looked at him and suddenly I giggled. "This is so ridiculous....baby lapar...anyway...I am sorry for acting childish...can you stop staring? Apa lagi? Makanlah...?" I said.

Iddin smiled and for the first time we had a descent conversation and not talk about our past....and I like the new Iddin......

"I have two kids so I tahu macamana nak dapat attention dari a pregnant lady...." he said and we continue to eat and small conversations......anyway what does having two kids has to do with him getting pregnant women's attention?....ahhhh....I get it....perasan!

That afternoon the three of us shared a limousine and left Positano. I am going to miss this place. "Don't worry babe, we'll be back here sooner than we than we thought.", Hans promised. I smile and looked out the window staring at the open sea.

We took a connecting flight from Naples headed for Rome before we get on Air Emirates. Baggage was cleared and there was no excess baggage charges. I was drained out and tired....

Hans took the aisle seat and I had the window seating. Iddin was seated in the opposite aisle.

I slept for most of the flight journey and only woke up when dinner is served. Hans woke me up once we were about to land in Dubai. We will catch another connecting flight to Kuala Lumpur on MAS.

I walked around the duty free shops and went into a jewelry outlet. I saw Pandora on the counter and looked through some of the latest bracelet charm. I was torn between two, the Pavé Hangng Heart charm or my zodiac charm.

"Hi. Nice. You have such a good taste….expensive I might add. Anyway what are those?” It was Iddin snooping around checking out my shopping cart.

"Oh hi…..I thought you were with Hans. I was looking at these bracelet charms and can’t decide which one to buy." Aku menjawab. "Which one do you think? Price wise the heart is 200 hundred dollars more expensive than the zodiac charm." I continued to explain.

"Aaahhhh…that’s what they are….bracelet charm….", Iddin finally figure out. "But why is the heart more expensive?" He asked and membelek the charm between his fingers.

"Well…..the heart ada diamonds on it…..see…..", aku pun menunjukkan both charms so that he can see the difference. We were so close to each other and our shoulders brushed. "So, what do you think? Which one I should get?" and I couldn't belief myself that I asked for Iddin's opinion.

"Me? You're asking me?" Iddin sounded surprised. "I am not good with these sorts of thing……but I think you should go with the zodiac sign. One piece of diamond. Mysterious. Symbolic….yeah, this is the one….". He pointed to the charm and confirmed his decision.

"Ok then….I will buy the zodiac charm. Iddin, thanks for helping me to decide. I appreciate it." Aku akur pada pendapatnya.

"You tak nak belikan for your wife? Pandora is a quality brand and they are very popular.", I suggested.

He smiled. "I know what you are doing here….you nak ambik hati I ye? or perhaps an excuse something you can remember me by, right?". He was flirting with me.

"Is  that what you think? Kalau ya pun, what? You’re gonna run to Hans….and tell him what? Tika is flirting with me?" Rasakan now it’s my turn kenakan you, Iddin. Aku tersenyum meleret and walked off straight to the cashier. He smiled and shook his head yet he still followed me around like a little puppy.

We continued to walk around other outlet. Aku juga ikut berhenti dan memberi pendapat things he was interested when we stopped at Adidas, then Ralph Lauren.  But aku surrender when we stepped in the duty free perfume outlet. I saw he was already looking through his favorite cologne. And he picked up a bottle of Drakkar Noir and turn towards where I was standing. I just stood there and looked back at him. My hands folded back, I was  looking at him and swaying my body front and back…..and smiling….."What?"…I said and I saw him pulled the bottle up as though asking me whether he should buy it. "You still wear them?" I asked.

“All the time…”, he replied. I walked over closer to him and said, "I know. I can smell it from the other night. We are going to be late, Iddin, I think you should get a bottle."....and he paid for the cologne.

We met up with Hans who was sitting in front of his laptop at Cafe Nero. "Working already?"I asked and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Chapter 35 - It's hard to say Good bye

Part 1.

It's our last day in Positano. Tomorrow we will be going back to Kuala Lumpur. I decided to go out to do a little bit of shopping before we pack up our stuff later tonight. Hans has a few paper works that he needs to finalized, and I do not want to be couped up in the hotel room.

I left Hans in the room and felt so free roaming around the hotel. I walked each corner of the hotel : into the kitchen, restaurants, reception, and said my good-byes. The employees here have been like a family during my 2 weeks stay in Positano. I walked over to the pool area but it was quiet. Empty. I sat for a while by the pool and put my legs in the warm water. So soothing. I looked around, yes....I  am going to miss this place for sure.

I haven't seen Iddin since we returned from Pompeii last night. It was a relief that I did not bump into him this afternoon.

After I returned from my shopping, Hans and I decided to start packing and it turned out we maximized our baggage allowance. Hans said if we need to pay for access baggage then that's what we have to do. I agreed but I am more worried about the customs clearance in KL.

In the evening we went to Franco’s Bar and hangout there for cocktails. Later walked back to La Sponda Restaurant for dinner. We sat outside to enjoy the beautiful night view for the last time.

Hans asked, “So how has it been so far for you?"

" Today?" I asked him back.

" Well yeah today and the rest of the trip?" Hans wants to know....

"It has been an unbelievable experience for me, Hans. You should know better. You were with me for most of the time. Semuanya cukup....bad times, good times, exciting times, and also a wake up call time....it's really an eye opener. I love being a part of your life. You have been a great support through thick and thin. You don't judge me. It feel so beautiful when you can find someone who asks for nothing but just for your company. I tahu kadang-kadang I bersikap childish but that's what I like about you. You accept me the way I am. Sebab not everybody can tolerate my attitude. I have people say I am stuck up but they don't know who I am or rather they want to understand me. Hans, I have gone through so much in my life. I lost my mom when I was eight then I lost my father....and things that happened in between made me cautious of my surrounding. I build a wall so that I don't feel hurt. I became tough to the extend I will block anything and anyone who comes my way. I'm an observer. I observed and make my conclusion. Kalau I tak suka, sampai bila-bila pun I tak akan suka......", and I let out some of my feelings.

"....but you know.....sometimes if we are too tough pun not good for us. Hati keras macam batu." Hans said selamba saja.

"I know. It is not easy to change. I have been very protective of myself all this while from getting hurt." I replied to his statement.

"Yeah,...like being selfish?" he said.

"Perhaps....." my short answer and I left it at there......we were quiet.....

Then Hans shift another topic. "Babe, we made our baby in Italy. Have you decided any names for our baby….any Italian name in mind?”, as he looked at me.

Aku mencebik bibirku. “No, not really. I am more concern of the baby’s health. Name can come much later. Maybe something short and has good meaning,….I am okay with that….”, I put on a smile for him and hold his hand. Hans has his other hand on my baby bump.

“Alright, whatever you say….you’re the BOSS…..”, he kissed me on my cheek. I leaned against his shoulder and he gently placed his head against mine. We just sat there looking over Positano Bay while continue our intimate conversation.

"You know I love you...?" Hans asked. I smiled and kissed him on his lips. That should confimed my answer.

Then suddenly,…..”I hope you won’t mind me joining you guys?". Iddin muncul dengan tiba-tiba. I was surprised that he finally popped up just to spoil my mood.

“Hey man, where did you go missing today?”, Hans menyapa but Iddin was still standing. I looked up at him and smile.

“Please, have a seat. Bukit ni belum lagi nak runtuh….”, and Hans gave me nudge. I understood what it meant. But being Iddin, si muka tembok he couldn’t care less. He pulls the chair opposite me and he practically block my view.

“En. Fazidin, maaf ya. If you don't mind can you switch seating? You are blocking my view.”, I said politely and smiled.

“I am? I am so sorry. Here, I’ll move to your right….(he pulled his chair next to mine)….Now, how’s the view?”, he asked seakan memerli aku. I heard Hans giggle a bit.

“Perfect. I really appreciate it and thank you.”, I replied. Menyampah!

After dinner, I excused myself. I told Hans I just wanna go to bed early since it will be a long journey home. But in actual fact I can’t stand Iddin’s presence. I know I need to face and tell him the truth about the past but when? How? I left both Hans and Iddin deep in some conversation about Bali architecture.

Part 2.

"So when are you planning to have a word with Fazidin? I highly suggest that you settle it once and for all before you guys go back to KL. Sebab lagi lama hal in tertangguh the more uncomfortable it will make you feel." Hans asked.

"Yes, I know and you are right. But I seganla Hans….Should I call him or knock on his door? Or kena set appointment ke? Couldn’t he just put it to rest? It happened a long time ago, anyway…." I was miserable trying to figure out how to face Iddin.

"Well, I’ll leave it to you however way you wanna do it…just remember you are my wife and he is a married man…." Hans warned.

"What’s that supposed to mean? You tak percayakan I?" I was taken a back by Hans remarks.

"Bukan I tak percayakan you…..I tak percayakan mana-mana lelaki yang cuba ganggu isteri I." he replied and tersengih...

"Seriously? Hans, you nak bergurau tak kena pada tempat. But I really appreciate very much what you are trying to do. It was never my intention to get you involved in my situation. You have saved my arse numerous times and I’m indebted to you." I told him.

"Babe, I do not want kisah silam haunt you like what’s happening now. I appreciate you spoke to me about you and Fazidin. He’ll be working with us and you will bump into him on daily basis at the office. At least you guys could just be friends rather than openly intimidate each other." he explained in length.

"Thanks for the advice, Hans.". I said. He smiled and asked me as he saw me walking away from him, "And where do you think you're going?"

I replied, "Nowhere just wanna crawl in bed and think..."

"Come here you....", he said and I lazily walked back towards him. "You tak mahu kiss me goodnight?" 

"Eeee…manjanya dia…..", and I kissed both his cheeks. "You nak fikir apa atas katil tu?", he asked.

"I have to think of a tactical plan.", I said and move my fingers on his face vertically. Hans is always right. I must settle this very soon.

Instead of walking towards the bed I went straight to the changing area and put on my jeans and a t-shirt. I came out and said straight out to Hans, "Alright,…..wish me luck. I am going to settle my problem tonight because after tonight I don't want the past over shadowing my future."

Hans was surprised by my drastic move. "Now? Don't you think he could be half a sleep already? I mean I fully support your decision but ...... tonight? Right now?" Hans asked.

"Hans, if I don't do it now I am afraid I will keep on delaying things. You jugak cakap I have to deal with this before we go back home. And home is tomorrow....", I argued.

"Alright, if you must. Talk things through and don't be out too long. Bring your jacket along or you'll catch cold pulak nanti...". Hans last advise.

"Thanks Hans, I'll see you in a bit. Love you. Jangan tidur tau. Wait for me..." I said.

"Oh yes, I will definitely wait up for you babe....call me if you need me to chop his legs, or arms...." Hans bergurau. Aku mencekak pinggang terasa seolah-olah di perli oleh Hans.

Part 3.

I went walking through the hallway and thinking should I go be knocking on Iddin hotel room this late. This is crazy. Tak manis lah kalau jadi perigi cari timba….I decided it was not a good idea and went straight to the reception and place a call to Iddin.

"Hello?" I heard him on the other end of the line.

I could see that my hands were trembling. "Hi Iddin, it’s me.", I said.

"Me? Who?", he replied. Ah! dia ni buat-buat tak kenal pulak.

“Atikah. Were you a sleep? I’m sorry if I catch you at a bad time. Perhaps we can do this some other time.". He really sounded like he just woke up….."No, no….Is everything alright?" he asked.

Yes, yes everything is okay. I’m at the reception. Can I see you? I will wait for you in the lounge.  I’ll see you in 10 minutes, boleh? I explained."

"Hmmmm….wait for me and don't go anywhere...", and he hang-up.

It was already fifteen minutes past midnight when Iddin showed up. He has his hands in his jeans pocket to keep them warm. He saw me and said, “What’s up?”

"Hi, sorry again I made you get out of bed. Please have a seat. I have some explaining to do here, tonight. Because if I don't do it now I don't know whether I will ever have enough courage to do it again...I need to talk and resolve old issues here. Are you up to it or it can hold on?" I said and sat down the same time as Iddin took his seat on the plush sofa.

He looks confused. "At this hour.....? What is it....what is that you want to explain?" he asked as he ran his fingers through his hair.

" I wanna apologized for what happened 15 years ago. It was selfish of me to break-up with you.". I started off the conversation.

"Ahhh...that issue. Well the way I look at it, it was more of being dumped." he sounded bitter.

"I know how you must felt...." belum sempat aku meneruskan ayat aku Iddin memotong, "No! I don't think you know how I felt." he cut me off.

"Please just hear me out first then I kalau you nak lepaskan geram you pada I, I akan terima......don't get me wrong.", I pause and looked at him. He stared at me and nodded. Kenapa tiba-tiba bila aku pandang dia, he looks so hot?

"Okay.....Masa tu I like you, a lot. In fact I dah mula jatuh hati pada you. The semester I met you was my final semester before I leave for the States to continue with my studies. Hati I bercampur baur sebab nak tinggalkan you sedangkan we've just met. I love the attention and I enjoyed the times we spent. Don't know kalau you remember the last day before I left we went to a supermarket in Klang and bought the Ray Ban sunglasses? I still have it." I stopped and want to see his reaction. He gave a blank look but his eyes never left my face.

I continued, "Frankly speaking I could not remember you being all upset on my departure. When I arrived in the States, all I could think was you and of course my family.....a few weeks past and I met with so many new people from different culture, background, race....they made me happy....I was not lonely anymore and I'm starting to forget us a little by little. I cried when I go to sleep each night thinking when will I receive your next letter....I was afraid that our long distance relation might not last. Most of all I was afraid that I might not be faithful to you and vice versa. I'm in the States and you in Malaysia, anything can happen. In order not to have my heart broken long into our relationship, I decided it better we just be friends. It was hard for me to write the letter. I lied when I wrote to you that I have met someone else and wanna move on with my life. I rather get hurt in the initial stage than later. Because I cannot take the fact sometime along the relationship you will tell me that you've met someone else....."

"Iddin, it was a difficult decision but the right one. you were beyond my reach. Being thousands miles away from home, from you was hard.", and I stopped and he sat there staring at me.

" I feel like a fool now. Pouring out my heart here and you sitting there like a Buddha statue. Okay, I said what I wanted to say. Most of all, I nak minta maaf that I hurt your feelings 15 years ago. I was just thinking of myself and being down right selfish. I was just protecting both of us from being hurt."

Iddin took a deep breath. "You are right about being selfish. Self centered and bull shit, you were not protecting 'us' from getting hurt. You were protecting yourself. Yourself alone." Iddin spoke and I know it came from his heart. I felt warm tears rolling down my face. I looked down to the floor.

" Look at me when I am talking to you, such a whore....", and slowly I raised my head and looked at him. I wanted to get up and slap his face for calling me a whore. But I banyak berselawat di dalam hati and sabar saja. Yes, it was my mistake and I have woken up the Ginnie in the bottle.

Aku rasakan macam staring competition....he just looked at me. I tak berani untuk tundukkan kepala so I stared at him.

Iddin stood up and grabbed my arm. "Come.....this way." He said.

"Where are we going?" I asked. Iddin place his pointer finger on his lips. "Just follow. No more explanations and no more questions. It's my turn to talk and you just shut up!"

Aku mula takut dengan tindakkan Iddin but I just followed him. We walked to the pool area and Iddin lit up a cigarette.

It was very cold outside. I didn't want to say anything but I was rubbing my hands on my arms to stay warm. He walked closer me and took off his sweater. He asked me to put up my hands and he put the sweater over me. Drakkar. It smells good......I remember when I first bought him a bottle of Drakkar. "Thanks..." I said softly. He was expressionless.

"I wanted to throw you off the hill but I then I will be in a big trouble." Iddin said. I was shock by his words.

"Kalau I nak cerita panjang pun there's no point to it. Benda dah lalu and we both have moved on with our lives. What kept ringing in my ears when I saw you again is what could it have been if our relationship lasted? This past week was hell for me. I envy whenever I see you are happy with Hans. It could have been me. The sight both of you in each others arms, it could have been you in my arms. Hmmm...and when you kissed Hans, I felt as though you are kissing me. I am going crazy here, don't you see, Atikah!?", we were stationery.

We stood there facing each other. A minute. Two....Three...... I felt comatose.....again tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried to turn my face to the side but Iddin first wiped off the tears.

"I wanna hold you now, so bad that it hurts so much, Atikah. I took a semester off after you dumped me and look for a job. My parents were not happy with my decision. I macam hilang haluan. I malas pergi class sebab you no longer take the same bus. You will not walk to class with me. I hated KFC. Then I came to term with reality. You will never be mine....", Iddin cupped my face with his large hands. I froze......

"I could kiss you, you know. I kissed you before with your braces on.....I wonder how does it taste now. Look at those sets of beautiful reconstructed teeth of yours....., but I won't. You're married now to my boss. We will be working together at least from time to time. That I know for sure. Oh God....I cannot fake it anymore....." he said and pulled my face closer to his lips.... Hard. I struggled and tried to let myself free but I don't understand......at that moment I relented. I kissed him back. I tasted anger than passion. Dang!! Suddenly I came back to my senses and immediately pushed him and ran off in to the night.....Oh my God, what have I done. I wiped my lips numerous times.

"Atikah....!" but he finally got hold of me...."I am really, really sorry.....wait, I just wanna make sure that you are alright."

"Just leave me alone, Iddin. I am not alright." I stopped and turned back to look at him. "Okay are you satisfied. I am not alright. You have a wife and you call me a whore and now you are looking at me. Stop looking at me."

"I’m not looking at you. I’m not looking at you." Iddin tried to deny his actions.

"No you are looking at me and you watch me." I raised my voice a little. "Hans has plans, I love him and he’s perfect for me.  I am trying here to be happy. And I can’t breathe. And I can’t breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop." I pleaded him to stop.

"You think I wanna look at you? Do you? Do you? and I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife. I’m married, I have responsibilities. She,..she doesn’t drive me crazy. She doesn’t make it impossible for make me feel normal. She doesn't makes me sick to my stomach thinking about another man keeps touching her with his hands. I would give anything  not to be looking at you."

I was stunned by his words, his reaction. I was really....."And you summed up all that during your week stay in Italy.? I said what I came to say and I have to go.....above there my husband is waiting for me. I told him I was going to confront you about our past but,...but...., I wasn't expecting this from you. You have to let me go....you have to forget me. Please, please I am begging you to find a small part in your heart to forgive me.....I can't....I got to go.....", and I hold to squeeze his hands. I stepped back and walked away.......letting go of his hands.

Credit to You Tube and Maneer Alrawahna