Aku menjeling kearah jam dinding. Suasana pagi itu sangat sunyi. Hans terlena di pangkuan aku. Aku mengejut Hans. "Hans, tidur dalam guest room ya....", aku pujuk Hans. He agreed and I helped him to stand up. We walk to the guest bedroom which was about 10 steps away. When we reached the bed, he climbed up and lay down on his right side. I switched on the air conditioner and covered him with the comforter. Kissed him and I stepped out of the room.
I called Iddin. I apologized to him that I did not meet at the guard house and told him what happened.
Iddin : "And how is he?"
Me : "He looked very tired Iddin. Macam energy dia drained out. I took him to the guestroom. And he fell right back to sleep."
Iddin : "You?"
Me : "Me?"
Iddin : "Yeah, you.....how are you accepting all this...?"
Me : "Entahlah Iddin, I rasa macam bermimpi....apa lagi yang I tak tahu? Please no more secrets, tell me Iddin", aku merayu sambil teresak-esak.
Iddin : "Atika, stop crying.......(he pause for a while).....Kalau I cerita pada you, I tak mahu you berasa kecewa dengan sikap Hans, apa yang dia lakukan kerana cinta, kasih dan sayangnya adalah untuk you."
Me : "Apa yang you merepekkan ni.....Iddin?"
Iddin : "When Hans told me that he has cancer he wants me to take care of you and Tariq if he dies. I was surprised and I thought it was a sick joke!"
Me : Aku terduduk di tepi meja talipon. "You are not making this up....?", aku bertanya.
Iddin : "Me? Making this up? You ingat I ni apa....!?", he was so pissed off.
Me : "Okay, okay.....is there more...?". Iddin senyap dan membisu.....lama......
Me : "Iddin,........there's more......?!"
Iddin : "He wants me to get closer to you so it would be easier since you and I were in loved once before. Tika, he pleaded with me, he chose the man you should marry and be happy with when he is dead...... I agreed on one the condition that he continues with his cancer treatment in Singapore. I had to do it Atika.....Dia dah macam abang I......"
Me : "Macam abang you......and you agreed......."
Iddin : "Yes, I did but tonight he wanted to change the plot after watching how closer we have become....I am falling in love with you all over again. That's what the argument was all about."
Me : "Why...why is he doing all this? He doesn't need to plan my life for me.....", aku menangis.
"........Sebab I sayangkan you. Salah kah I,.....kalau I tak mahu you berseorangan. I tak mahu tengok you bersedih. I tak mahu you rasa putus asa. I nak tengok you bahagia bila I dah tak ada nanti. Tapi biarlah dengan orang yang tahu mampu berikan kebahagian pada you.....". It was Hans. I was stunned......
Me : "I call you back later.......? Hans is up...", and I hang up.
I stood up and walked towards him.....I placed my hands on his arms....,"Siapa kata you akan mati....? Mana? Mana black and white nya....Allah beri kita akal dan fikiran....so gunakannya Hans.....use it.......!", aku menggoncang perlahan lengannya. Berjurai-jurai airmataku......
Credit to MD Pictures and You Tube
Awan hitam bergulung gulung
Mengabarkan berita pahit
Aku harus gimana pada cintaku
Bisakah aku jadi langit
Biar ku lindungi mendungmu
Tak kubiarkan duka berkawan denganmu
Biarkan hatiku bertudung
Menutupi kenyataanku
Menangis sekaligus tersenyum
Pada takdirku
Tak bisa kau paksa cintaku
Berpindah kepada yang lain
Sampai nafasku habis
Ku mau denganmu
Bisakah aku jadi langit
Biar ku lindungi mendungmu
Tak kubiarkan duka berkawan denganmu
Biarkan hatiku bertudung
Menutupi kenyataanku
Menangis sekaligus tersenyum
Pada takdirku
Tak bisa kau paksa cintaku
Berpindah kepada yang lain
Sampai nafasku habis
Ku mau denganmu
Inilah surga yang kurindukan
Memastikan kau baik-baik saja
Walaupun kita tak bersama lagi
Kenanglah aku
Cinta
Hans stared at me without a blink. Then he just grabbed and embraced me....and both of us cried. Pagi tu kami solat Subuh bersama-sama. Kami berdoa supaya diberikan kekuatan untuk mengharungi ujian duniawi. Insya Allah.
Bermula dari hari itu Hans always included me in his decision. He wants me to accompany him whenever he goes for his chemo treatment in Singapore. I saw him in his worst physical health; there are days he couldn't eat. Each time he tried he will throw up. I am always by his side, be his supporter and his care taker. There are also days where he has his mood swings and nothing a cup of chamomile tea always does the miracle. It comforts and relaxes him.
Once Mom accompanied Hans for his chemo when Tariq fell ill. Tariq will be 6 months old soon and learning to recognized faces already. He is quite choosy and avoided contact with people he is not familiar with. Hans would walked Tariq around the garden. I wonder what he talks about when he is with Tariq.....Tariq giggles and Hans kept on talking to Tariq.....
I stood facing out into the garden, feeling empty and motionless.
"He's my hero, too......,". Lamunan aku dikejutkan dengan suara Iddin.
Ahh......Iddin........
Iddin has always been there for the both of us. Each day passes by I feel that I care more and more for Iddin. He is our greatest supporter. I will be lost without him.
Aku tersenyum sendiri.....
THE END
Albert Einstein said, Logic will get you from A to B, but imagination takes you everywhere....."
Finally I finished my novel. It took me approximately one year to finish this novel. The conclusion? It depends in your own interpretation. This book is about guilty pleasure. Buku yang kita sorok-sorok baca bila orang tak nampak. Buku yang buat kita rasa excited and entertain at the same time. Mungkin ada yang boleh relate dan ada yang tidak. But, this is my imagination....... At times I get personal with my readers. I shared most of my all time favorite song and newly discovered songs. You can figure out my style in music.
Which comes first, the song of the story? It works both ways for me. Some of the feelings and emotions shared in here based on my own experienced.
Thank you to those who did take the time to read this novel. I know it is not a high quality product but I am glad I started and manage to complete this. I have always love writing; my distress outlet. I'm already planning to start a second novel.
Thank you to my other half for his patience even he at times chided me cynically how much time I spent on the computer.
Thank you to my children whom I force them to listen when I read chapters from the novel. My angels.....
Thank you to Google, Google Image, You Tube, and endless pictures shared publicly on the internet. Their services were excellent that made my writing inter connected and flows smoothly.
And Thank you to the One and only, The Almightly Allah for my writing ability that he granted upon me.
Till we meet again.....Assalammualaikum..................
Hans returned home on Tuesday afternoon. Sampai saja di rumah, Hans terus mendapatkan aku and asked how was my foot. He gave me a big hug.
"I'm fine, nothing to worry about....macamana you tahu? Let me guess.....Iddin?", I asked.
"Yes, he called me as soon as I landed at the airport.", Hans membelek-belek kaki aku. "How did it happened?", Hans asked.
"It was my mistake. I was careless...", I replied. "And how are you?", aku cuba mengalihkan topic perbualan.
"Alhamdulillah I'm in one piece....3 meetings and everything went well. Kalau ikut schedule the house in Poort Dickson should be ready in two month's time. Just nice for Dad's birthday celebration. I missed you so much...and I am glad I am home....", and he kissed me. "How's Tariq? Where is he?", tanya Hans.
"Tadi dia tidur. Senang jaga dia. After breast feeding dia terus tidur. He's upstairs. Pergilah tengok dia....", aku bercerita.
"Okay, I'll be right back." And he kissed me and ran upstairs. Hans looked a bit pale and rather tired, maybe from all the travelling.
He came down 15 minutes later and asked me, "How about we invite Fazidin for dinner tonight...? Kesian dia makan sorang-sorang.....".
"Seriously? Are you for real? Hans, give me a break. Hari-hari I mengadap muka Iddin. I thought we could spend sometime alone just the two of us.", I replied. Hans came closer and put his arms around my waist. "It's just dinner and after that you can have me all for yourself....".
"But I can't cook. Kaki I sakit...", I said and thought of an excuse. He laughed, "Babe masak guna tangan bukan kaki tau...", and he continued to laugh. "Don't worry.....I'll get satay and pizza, perhaps?"
"Okay, I'll leave it to you......", I replied.
That night we had a great time. Hans was himself with full of jokes. Food was delicious. Hans bought satay, honey chicken wings, and he prepared mushroom soup with garlic bread.
"Wah! best la mushroom soup ni...and the garlic bread is out of this world....!", Iddin complimented.
"Senang je buatnya.....don't be shy. Banyak lagi in the kitchen. Actually, I prepared extra for Tika but you can have more." Hans bercerita.
"Oh I thought Atika yang masak....", Iddin menjeling ke arah aku. Aku cuma tersengih....."I sakit kaki..., I replied. Both guys laughed.
Soon when dinner is done, Iddin helped me clean up the dining table while Hans cleaned the dishes in the kitchen.
We were talking and laughing when suddenly, Hans called Iddin. "Fazidin can I have a minute with you?"
"Yeah sure.", and before Iddin left he said, "Hey Atika thank you for the lovely evening. I need to see what he wants from me...", and excused himself.
"Well thank you, for coming.", I replied and we hugged, awkwardly. Iddin continued, "I had fun. Yes this was fun. We should do this more often." Aku hanya tersenyum.
Part 2.
Sayup-sayup aku terdengar perbualan mereka...But what were they discussing about.? At times they were whispering and at times aku dengar mereka bertegang leher.....
"You are right I love spending time with her, you are so right."
"She's not yours yet."
"Excuse me?"
"She is still my wife."
"Oh no, I'm just saying...."
"I am just saying as long I'm still a live you keep things respectful. Ok?"
"You know, I don't get you, you talked me into this thing and then when all goes your way you suddenly can't handle it."
"I can handle it fine. I just don't want you...."
"You don't want what? You don't want ....me laughed at her jokes, flirt with her..."
"Hans you have a such wonderful wife,..."
"Yeah I know that...I know how great she is..."
"Do you? Do you know how great she is?"
"Listen, either you want this or you don't. Ok....If you want to stop this then I'll respect you but you need to make up your mind, damn it."
I walked and stood by the kitchen door leading to the BBQ area. Now I can hear their conversation clearly.
"Hans, sampai bila you nak berlakon. She's your wife and she deserved to know....You used my friendship against her to play with your charades. Don't you see.....cause every moment I spent with her, I'm grieve for another. I am falling for her again!" Hans memandang Iddin dengan tajam as though he was honestly surprised.
Hans kept silence while Iddin was shooting bullets. "It was your script.......and now you want to change the story line? No, no, no, don't give me that looked. I had enough of this. This was a disaster from the very beginning. You take her back......man,...you suck."
Then I heard Hans, "Fazidin, you agreed to go along with it." Then I stepped out....
Iddin turned and he saw me. He came over and grabbed me in his arms. He pulled me close to his face, and I can felt the warmth of his touch all over me. "I'll catch you later.", he whispered.
Aku bertanya, "What's going on here. Guys, you were all laughs inside and now screaming at each other....". I tried not to calm things down.
"You have a whim for a husband...". A bold statement by Iddin.
"Enough Fazidin! Enough!", Hans shouted at Iddin.
"You tell her Hans, you tell her......you are not God! The moment you dismiss her from your life, I will be standing right next to you. I will grab any chance I could to get her back." Iddin said out loud.
"Hold on guys......what the hell are you guys talking about.", aku whispered.
"Shut up!", both replied to me at the same time.
My face flushed and I kept my mouth shut and stood still. Iddin let go of me and walked away.
I sat down and dumb founded about what just happened. I sat in disbelief the bursting rage resulted from the argument. I was speechless. "I'm listening if you are ready to tell me what the argument was about......." I looked at Hans.
After a few minutes......., "Well I guess you are not ready to tell me..... If you do, you know where to find me." Hans was not responsive. I was disappointed and I went back inside. What just happened??
"Wait Babe....you are not supposed to know about this....I wanted to keep it hidden from you for as long as I can. Unfortunately Fazidin and his big mouth and I was really counting on his help.....he agreed...". Hans looked a mess...He covered his face with his palm and I thought he was laughing. He turned his back on me. But Hans was actually crying....."You know, I wanted to be tough for you and Tariq. I did not want to worry you." Then Hans grabbed his car keys and left me standing in the kitchen. When the main door closed I heard the engine car running and drove off into the night.
I called Hans a couple of time but he didn't answer. I am now worried of his safety. There's only one person I can count on,....Iddin.
I called Iddin.
Me : "Hello Iddin. Can you come over please. I need your help. Hans wanted to tell me something but then he cried and he drove off...and I don't know where he could be. I can't leave the house now. Tariq is a sleep....", I was out of breath.
Iddin :"Atika..., Atika..., hey slow down. You, stay put. I'll be there in 10 minutes."
Me : "Ok...ok....hurry please." I waited patiently.
As promised, Iddin arrived on time. I opened the door and immediately hugged him. "Please Iddin help me look for Hans." He embraced me with so much passion. "Did you guys had a fight?"
I looked at Iddin..."No. There was no fight. He wanted to tell me something. Then I heard him crying and he just dashed out of the house. What's going on Iddin? Please tell me." I pleaded Iddin.
"I am not getting involved in his scheme anymore. It is best he himself explained to you. I'll try to look for him. You stay here in case he comes back home." Iddin reassured me.
Part 3.
I must have fallen a sleep in Tariq's room when he cried earlier. I checked my phone messages but nothing! No calls or messages from either Hans or Iddin. It's already three o'clock in the morning. I went to my bedroom. The sheets hadn't been touched. I went downstairs and peek out but Hans car is still no where to be seen. I started to cry. Ya Allah, what is going on. Kalau Tariq tak ada memang dah lama aku keluar sendiri mencari Hans. What happened to Iddin? He's supposed to look for Hans...
I cuba menghubungi Iddin but he did not pick up his cell phone. A few seconds later my cell phone rang....Hans?
No. It was Iddin. "Atika....I found him and he is already his way back home.", Iddin said.
"Kat mana you jumpa dia, Iddin?", aku bertanya.
"His house in PD..", Iddin answered. "He will explain everything to you when he gets back and please do not be angry at him. He did not mean to cause any harm. All he wanted to do was to protect you and Tariq. I am guilty as much as he is sebab I went along with his plan. Please Atika...if you love me, do that for me. Will you?", Iddin went silent.
"I....,I....don't know what to say....", I replied and hang up the phone. I sat down and waited for Hans. I am getting so nervous and anxious. Serba tak kena. Aku bangun and terus ke dapur untuk mengambil segelas air bila aku terdengar bunyi kereta memasuki ke pengkarangan rumah. I sat on the kitchen counter with my back facing the kitchen entrance.
"Hi Babe...I thought you would be a sleep?", Hans greeted.
"Well, I'm not. where have you been?", I replied and turned slightly to look at him.
"Driving around. Finding enough courage to bring myself to explain what have been going on....", he answered.
"Hmmmm......are you going to do it now or you still need more time to gather your courage? Because with Tariq around I'm basically stuck here, unlike you who can just dash off whenever you feel like. Why not you take care of Tariq for a change, so I can gather enough strength to face this huge plan you and Iddin have been concocting for me.". I said and walked out of the kitchen.
Hans didn't even stopped me this time. I immediately went to my bedroom and pack a few pieces of clothing items. As much as I regret leaving Tariq behind, I need to get away and find peace until Hans is ready to explain what he has been hiding from me. I called Iddin. "Iddin boleh you tolong I? Please come to my house. I'll wait for you at the guard house. Cepat ya....". I kissed Tariq and hugged him. "Mommy is gonna missed you so much.", I said softly.
Hans was sitting on the stairs when I reached downstairs. "Tika, where are you going?", he asked me. I kept quiet and ignored him.
"Tika, be rational.....you tahu tak kalau you keluar dari rumah ni tanpa kebenaran I, you berdosa dan derhaka pada suami you?", Hans said.
"Cepat saja you nak cari salah I. Okay....kalau you nak I stay, you tell me what is going on. I have the right to know...!", I raised my voice.
But Hans just stood there. "Well?", I asked. Then I saw Hans sobbing and crying uncontrollably.
"Hey,...Hans.....what is it? What is it? You're scaring me..."I approached him and he fell into my arms. "You're scaring me....", as I hold him. He drowned his face in my chest.
"Calm dowm Hans,...what's going on?", I asked and wipe his tears.
He sobbed, "......8 months ago I discovered I had cancer." He uttered. He had his head down all the time.
"You knew you had cancer 8 months ago and you didn't tell me?" What I'm hearing is right?
His eyes are still fixed on the floor. Silence.....
"Kenapa? Why did you hid it from me? You ingat I tak akan jaga you? You nak jaga hati I? What Iddin said earlier tonight make sense now......then, all the travelling....??", I asked.
"I undergo cancer treatment in Singapore. On the average I need 5 days to recover from each treatment.....", Hans confessed....
"So there was no such project in Singapore. It was all a cover up. It was all lies? You and Iddin, the both of you.....You kept it hidden from me because.......of.......", I pressured him to complete the sentence. I stood up, lift my shoulders and raised my arms in the air.
Hans stood up. "I am not ready to see you hurt and sad because of me. You do not deserve it. Now I realized I have created a mess....". He walked toward me but I took two steps back. He stopped. "The doctor gave me 12 to 14 months to live. The sooner I go for treatment while I still have my strength, the chances of recovery is high. I did not want to waste much time. I have my family to care for, I cannot give up. After 6 months the cancer was in remission but my recent check-up showed that cancer cell reappeared again and it is spreading elsewhere...."
"Hang on, hang on....", I stopped him. "Does your family know about this, Hans?", I asked. He shook his head.
"Iddin does....", Hans answered. He sat down on the high chair.
"Yeah.....your partner in crime....", I helped him finished his own sentence.
Tears running down my face. My cell phone rang......"Atika? I am the guard house....". The moment I heard Iddin's voice aku lembik, selembiknya. Talipon bimbit aku jatuh ke lantai dan pecah bederai. Aku terjelepuk di tepi tangga and started crying...... Hans came and grabbed my arms.....
"Stop it Atika! Stop it!", as Hans shook me a couple of times. Every few seconds, I wept and wiped my tears.
"We go and look for another doctor, another alternative treatment,.....", aku pujuk Hans.
"No..., no..., no...., I've been to 3 doctors and they said the same thing. I am just tired of the treatment and most of all lying to you....", Hans admitted dan dia terduduk disebelah aku. "I am so sorry Tika..., really sorry....", as he slowly lay down on the kitchen floor and rested his head on my lap.....
After I finished entertaining Iddin with his antics I called Hans. I missed him so much...I hope he is doing fine. This time he traveled to Bali with a junior architect, Haris. Haris has been with Hans & Hans for almost three years and Hans is impressed with his performance. Whenever Hans busy with other projects, Haris will take over and overlook the progress of our house in Port Dickson.
Me : "Assalammualaikum Hans....", I greeted him
Hans : "Waalaikumsalam....Babe, how are you? I am so happy that you called.", he sounds relaxed.
Me : "Yup I am fine and so is Tariq. He can recognize voices. Bila I called him, he will looked around to find me and smile. He is so adorable Hans.", aku excited menceritakan pada Hans.
Hans : I missed both of you. Insya Allah if all goes well I should be back as schedule, Tuesday afternoon. Abang Razali will pick me up at the airport.", he confirmed.
Me : We missed you too....", I replied.
Hans : "How's work? And Iddin? Has he been taking good care of you and Tariq?", he asked.
Me : "Yeah, too good I may say.....he has and I was just wondering kenapa you asked him to baby sit both me and Tariq? I can take care of the both of us.", I asked Hans and wants his explanation.
Hans : "Baby sit (he laughed), no lah bukan baby sit......I'm sorry I should have told you about it. It's safe to have another man around when I'm not. I know him well and obviously both of you are close friends. He's single and not much family commitment. He lives close by so in case of emergency he will just be a phone call away. Just thinking about yours and Tariq's safety.", he pause. "Anyhow you have to get used having him around more....".
Me : "What's that supposed to mean?", I was surprised by his last remarks. "You're travelling again? You have been travelling awfully a lot these past months."
Hans : "A few more trips and I should be able to settle down. Tariq is growing up so fast and I don't want to miss any moment of his first step and first word...we discussed more when I get back....".
Me : "By the way would it be alright if Tariq and myself accept Iddin's invitation walk in the park? He insisted on it. He said something like he takes his responsibilities seriously. Then he wants to buy dinner. I feel so stupid telling you all this and...."
Hans : "You should go....you need to get out more.....", he interrupted.
Me : "It will feel awkward Hans....I am your wife. How could you plan all of this without telling me? Please, next time don't make this kind of arrangement without consulting it with me. Please, no more of this....especially outside of my working hours....segan lah. I isteri orang and dia tu bujang. Nanti jadi buah mulut orang....". I was not amused.
Hans : "Don't worry...I know what I am doing.....Okay, I promised you, no more....I thought both of you are buddies so there is nothing wrong with that right?", he apologized.
Me : "Well, it's getting late, I'm carpooling with Iddin to safe the environment. How on earth would he thought of that....that crazy mind of his....no more of this Hans....I really, really feel so uncomfortable. Susah you nanti kalau I dah jatuh cinta dengan lelaki lain......", I sounded pissed but saja mengusik Hans.
Hans : He laughed. "Carpool okay apa...jimat minyak and yes less pollution. Tapi ialah kalau ditakdirkan you jatuh cinta dengan Iddin.....itu dah ketentuan. Takdir.....".
Me : "Ewww....! Hans, teruklah you.....benci I....kenapa sampai macam tu sekali....ketentuan konon....".
Hans "Jangan marah...I was only joking. I tahu you pandai jaga diri you. I percayakan you......now, you take care of yourself and baby Tariq. I can't wait to see you soon. Think of a nice place we can go for a vacation, okay. Your choice....Good night babe...", he comforted me.
Me : "Really? Vacation? I missed it so much. I will...Good night Hans....love you." I wish he could see me smiling from ear to ear.
Hans : "I am crazy in love with you....".
We hung up.......
So, where is it going to be this time? I think it's about time Hans takes time off and get away from his work.
Part 2.
Carpooling was not a bad idea. Iddin was on time. I left Tariq with Mrs Kumar and the baby sitter.
I avoided Iddin at work because I don't want him to ask me about the stroll in the park this evening. Kalau I tak jumpa dia at work then he won't ask. Oh no....how stupid I can be. I have to go back with him petang ni. Shoot!!
I was in the break room making myself tea when I sense someone is standing too close behind me. I didn't want to turn because I have a strong feeling, it's him.
"You have been avoiding me this whole day. You know, if you want to decline my invitation you can just say it out right rather than avoiding me. Office ni pun bukannya besar sangat pun......Camera all over the office. I can see you.......Last night you were so sweet and sensitive but now.......this is the attitude shift I was telling you about. What kind of game are you playing with me, sayang?", Iddin sounded annoyed and demanded an answer.
"You're breathing over me, Iddin. I feel suffocated. Please, rasa seganlah sikit. Staff come in and out of this room and you are really making me feel uncomfortable.", I said and carry on to stir the spoon in my mug of tea. "Let's go to my office and talk, boleh?"
"I don't think there is anything to talk about. I got the message...", and a grin on his face. He nodded a couple of times.
Aku rasa serba salah. Aku terpaku.
He smiled, turned and left me standing there. "Iddin! Wait!", aku memanggilnya but he ignored me. I gave a short chase and that's when I saw Hans's dad. I stopped and stood still.
"Well, good......since both of you are here, join me in the conference room.....", said Tan Sri. I was so nervous that if he found out about Iddin and me. Office gossip? Rumours floating around that me and Iddin are an item?......all out of nervousness........................
"Puan Atika, your tea....is all over your feet...". I didn't even notice it until a staff called out my name. Only then, I felt the burning sensation and let go of the mug. It fell off my grip and broken into pieces.
"Subhanallah......", I cried in pain.
Iddin turned and saw my feet soaking wet and hurriedly grabbed me before I fell down. Tan Sri came over. "Atika, macamana boleh jadi macam ini? Are you alright?", he asked. I felt my leg was numb and holding on to Iddin tightly.
"Tan Sri, I'll take her to my office. She's quite hurt from the hot tea. We'll call the doctor and I'll be right with you.....", Iddin replied.
"No...., no....., don't worry. You take care of Atika first. Atika, you take a rest. I have a video conference with the Board of Directors and I'll drop by to see you once I'm done." He kissed me on the forehead. Both Iddin and dad helped me walked into Iddin's office. "I'll get your assistant to call the doctor...", Dad said as he walked out of the room.
Iddin kneel on one knee and slowly took off my heels. He looked up at me while aku memejam mata cuba menahan kesakitan. When the shoe were off aku tunduk dan lihat ada tanda-tanda melecur pada kaki aku. Iddin placed his palm on my face. "What happened just now...?", he asked.
"I don't know....when Dad, I mean Tan Sri, called the both of us I panic. I assume that he was going to ask about you and me....", I answered. I quickly sat up and lean on the chair.
Fazura came in with the doctor. "You are in good hands. I'm going to see Tan Sri and I will be back soon." Iddin kissed my hand. I saw Fazura standing behind the doctor and I am sure she saw the whole thing. I feel so embarrassed. "Fazura, make sure she does not leave my office. Sometimes she can be stubborn and I don't want Puan Atika walking around with that kind of injury. Once the doctor leave you can continue with your work.", Iddin gave specific instruction to Fazura.
"Yes En. Fazidin.", replied Fazura.
Once my feet were all wrapped up in with bandages, I sat on the leather sofa with both feet up on the coffee table. Fazura left to continue with her work. I wanted to call Hans so bad and tell him about the accident but I decided to do that after work. I must have fallen a sleep until I felt someone called my name. "Atika...? Atika...? wake up....". I opened my eyes and saw it was Iddin and Dad.
"Maybe we should take her to the hospital....", Dad said. I immediately force myself to sit up and Iddin helped me. His touch was comforting as he rubbed my shoulder.
"No, I am fine and I can manage myself.", I tried to convinced Dad. "The doctor said I should be up and running in 2-3 days."
"So, Iddin your dinner plan kena postponed la nampaknya...?", Dad looked at Iddin. "Yes, Tan Sri...I don't know if Hans would ever trust me taking care of his wife."Iddin replied as he looked at me.
What?! Dad knows that Iddin has been looking out for both me and Tariq? Except me? I looked at both of them in a strange way. Is this a joke?
"Iddin take care of Atika. Come here girl....", and he hugged me. "Your mom misses Tariq so much. Bising dia nak tengok cucu dia. Come around the house once Hans is back okay?" I nodded.
"Please send my regards to Mom.... and thanks Dad.", I replied. Tan Sri left the office and Iddin closed the door behind him.
He came over and land his hands on my shoulder. Hmmmmm.......hilang rasa tension, rasa sakit.....apa aku rasakan kepantasan degup jantungku and kehangatan jari jemari Iddin di bahuku.
"You know, I can kiss you here...." Iddin said and gave a soft blow on my right side of the neck.
I slightly jerk. "And I can kiss you here.....", he said and this time he blew behind my ears. I curled up my body and leaned against Iddin's chest.
I tilted my head and whispered, "Do try that.....kalau you nak rasa my high heel stuck to your brain.........". I pushed him a part. He laughed....
"Hmmmm......sewellah you ni.", I felt intimidated by his actions. By now he had both hands mengenggam pinggang aku. Terasa kehangatan genggamannya. "Okay..., okay....", he said.
Then,...Iddin let go off me. He leaned against his desk and took off his sports jacket and neck tie.
"Can't say I didn't try......(he giggle)....the real issue here now is......, how are we going to get you down to the basement?", Iddin looked at me and scratched hid head.
Aku menyandarkan badan aku dan memandang Iddin. "I can walk you know, I bukannya cripple. I just need your weight for me to hang on...can you do that for me?", I asked.
"Sure, it'll be my pleasure..... You rest sekejap and let me finished a few paper work. Then we leave, okay?", he said and I nodded.
It was almost 6:30 pm when Iddin finally completed his work. Aku dah naik boring menunggu dia. Habis semua majalah di atas coffee table aku baca. Kerja aku terbengkalai. "Iddin before we leave can we stop by my office? I need to bring home my work. Lama sangat I berehat di office you ni and kerja I tak buat, please?"I pleaded.
"No work for you for 2 days. Doctor's orders.", he came over and helped me up. He had one arm on my waist and the other under my armpit. "You're okay?".
"Yeah, I think so.....boleh you tolong grabbed my handbag from my office?", I politely asked for his help.
"Hmmm, come let's walk to your office.", he said as he slowly help me to walk. We walked slowly towards my office and he lean me against the doorway. He quickly grabbed hold of my handbag and came back to where I was standing. I immediately held on to his waist for support and he does the same. Mujur ramai staff telah pulang....
When we get in the car, he slide the passenger seat behind and lift me onto the seat. Once I am seated I grabbed his arm, "Iddin, thank you for doing this....I really appreciate it." I don't know why but I felt so emotional that I hugged him. He was surprised by my reaction. "Are you making a pass at me?", he suddenly said. I pushed him and he laughed. "Benci...!", I snubbed at him.
"Tak pe sekarang benci....nanti lama-lama sayang lah...", and he laughs again as he finds it very amusing! I stuck out my tongue in protest. He fasten my seatbelt.
Iddin seated in the driver's seat. "Are you all comfortable? Here,.....", he covered me with a Burberry blanket..."Just in case it gets too cold in here...", and he smile. That took my breath my away. He slowly reclined my seat so I can lay back. Instead I turn to my right and I have him in full view. He said, "Whichever way you are comfy......", and switched on to his selection of songs.
Credit to Thedieguitomusic2 and You Tube
The drive was very slow due to the heavy traffic. He was searching for a particular song and when he finally found what he was looking for, he stroke my forehead. "You're alright?", he asked. I did not resist and I closed my eyes. And he started to sing to Scorpion. "You really can sing you know. You should be a recording artist if you ever decide to leave the architect world....", I complimented him. He laughed.
"Do you have contacts?", and he laughed again. I just smiled and closed my eyes.
"Can I hear the song again?", I asked. He replied, "Sure." He played the song again.......I listened to the wordings....
You make me dream
By the look in your eyes
You give me the feel, I've been longing for
I wanna give you my soul
All my life
Cause you are the one I've been waiting for
I've been waiting for so long
"I don't know what's going on Iddin, I am quite confused with my life now.", I blurted out for no reason.
He kept quiet. And so did I.
"Would it change of how you feel about me, if I say, I am falling in love with you, again?", he asked.
"Hans, once said that I am lucky to have 2 men who loves me very much. He was referring to you and himself. I was quite surprised when he said that....", I said."Maybe kalau I am single, I will definitely.....but it's impossible for me to love two man at the same time.", I replied and kept looking at him.
"But do you? Do you love me, Atika?", he insist for an answer.
"The past two days,.... you have been nothing but generous with your time : spending hours with me and Tariq. I love you for it. I do like you and love you but.....as a special friend. Your are irreplaceable. However, Hans is my husband and I tak mahu menduakan suami I. Syurga isteri dibawah tapak kaki suami, Iddin. You can have any woman in the world but yet you still want me, your friend's wife. I can't offer you anything new. If you make me choose between Hans and you, I will definitely choose Hans." Aku jelaskan dengan panjang lebar.
"You're missing the point here.....I'm asking you again, do you love me, Atika?" Iddin wanted to know....he took and hold my hand.
"You are very persistent....", I commented and let go of his grip.
"Do you love me, Atika?", he asked again.His eyes was on the road.
I kept quiet......"I would if I could....", I finally accepted my true feeling towards Iddin. He never stopped smiling the entire journey back home. "That's good enough with me....", he said.
By the time we arrived my place, it was almost 8 p m. Iddin helped me out of the car and walked me to the door. Mrs Kumar opened the door and looked relief. I asked her what was wrong, she said she was worried that I haven't returned home. I told her of the minor accident I had and the traffic was pretty bad in KL.
I sat down and rested my feet up the sofa. She said the baby sitter already bathe and feed Tariq. He is already a sleep. I thanked Mrs Kumar and told her that she can go home. "But how are you going to manage yourself and Tariq with the injury.?", she asked. I told her not to worry. "I can handle things around here...".
"Do you want me to stay with you, Atika? Or can I get dinner for you?", Iddin offered his assistance. I gave him a polite smile.
"You would like that right? But I feel that it is not appropriate for you to stay here, Iddin...", I replied. He nodded in agreement. "However, since I'll be off from work please drop by for breakfast tomorrow morning. We can make pancakes. How does that sounds?", aku pujuk dia.
He smiled. "It's a date!"
"Alright, it's a date...", I laughed. Iddin was thrilled.
Lunch was exclusive and indeed it was a treat. Iddin took me to Celestial Court at the Sheraton Imperial Hotel. The moment we were seated, I noticed there was a stalk of yellow rose on the table. Iddin started to order for the both of us.
Somehow he realized something and said, "Oh....I'm sorry,....may be you would like to order something else? Hans said you like when he orders food for you.", Iddin explained.
I smiled. "Are you baby sitting me? Hans this..., Hans that....macam-macam lah you ni. No I'm perfectly fine. Dim Sum sounds wonderful.", I replied. But he didn't look at me one bit. He placed the menu on the table and proceed with his orders. The waiter repeated our orders and left.
"By the way, the yellow rose is for you....", then he looked at me with a cute smile. I picked up the rose and bring it close to my nose. "Hmmmmm.....I love the smell of fresh rose.....comforting. Is this from Hans?". Aku buat-buat bertanya....
"A pretty rose for a beautiful lady and it's from me. Kalau ikutkan hati I nak saja I beli a dozen or two roses but I did not want to over do it." He replied and he has a huge beam on his face. I may say it was a nice gesture.
"What's all this? Lunch and roses...? What's on your mind?", I asked as I looked at Iddin. Still being the same Iddin who likes to flirt around. "Are you flirting with me? Cause if you are, I am really flattered. Anyway, I love yellow roses and thank you very much." I said. He smiled and kept looking at me.
"Flirting? Is there anything wrong with that? You kenal I kan.....macam ni lah,....a sincere gift from me. A beginning of a new friendship...", he laughed. I laughed too but it sounded kind of suspicious...........
He enjoyed small talks and laughed. Ten minutes later our hot tea arrived and followed by steamy Dim Sum. We had a good sitting spot which was quite distance from the rowdy lunch crowd..
Credit all pictures to Celestial Court, Sheraton Imperial Hotel, Google Images
"You nak tunggu apa lagi? So, do you want me to fix you up dengan Fazura? You are not getting any younger you know.....", I teased Iddin.
"Atika sayang,......I'm gonna say once again and for the last time, I have other important things on my mind. I know what I want in a woman and it's not Fazura! I have nothing against her. She's descent, sweet, sexy and all, it's just that I have another person in mind.". He was serious. "And please don't asked me more about this."
"Wow! aren't we a bit edgy this afternoon.", aku memerli Iddin. Mukanya merah menyala."Oh I see you dah ada pilihanlah ni. When are you gonna introduce me to her?"
"I will, one fine day, I will. You seem to be too nosy about my personal life,...kenapa ya....?, Iddin put on his cynical facial expression.
"Tak ada apa-apa cuma I feel that you need to date other women instead spending your time with old me. Mulut orang kita tak boleh tutup. I'm worried nanti nama and reputation you, Hans and the firm akan terjejas....". I was being frank with him.
"Yes, memang mulut orang kita tak boleh tutup but who are they to talk about us...?" Iddin argued. I have to agree with him.
"You tu single and I am not so,....pandai-pandailah you fikir....", I replied and munched on a piece of 'Siew Mai'. "Hmmmm....this is good."
"You like it?", Iddin asked. I nodded and picked up another one with my chopsticks. I dipped in the sweet sauce. "Open your mouth.....", I said.
He took a bite and munched. Then I finish up the rest and placed my chopstick on the plate.
We discussed a little bit about work and about Tariq who is starting to recognize voices and Iddin proposed that while Hans is still away, he'll take Tariq and me for a stroll at the park later this evening and end the day with dinner. I wanted to decline his offer right there and then but instead said politely to give me time to think about it. He look disappointed and I won't budge my decision. "It's just a stroll in the park....and light dinner.", he persuaded me. I kept silent. I do not want to encourage him but me going out with him after office hours.............I don't think it's a good idea. Iddin has plenty of suave and he has his way of getting me weak in my knees. When he smile, I melt. When he stares, I go bonkers. Ghezzz....., this is hideous, I should not be thinking about other man. What is going on here? Mengucap Atika!
We left the hotel around 2 p.m. and didn't talk much in the car. I was mostly thinking about what Iddin said of his new found love. Who is she I wonder? Kenapa dia nak merahsiakan dari aku? Eh....! am I feeling a bit jealous here?......Yeah, finally I have to admit, I do wonder at times how would it be different if we stuck together from day one. Now I know how Iddin must have felt....The urge to discover the unknown.
Credit to RihannaVEVO and You Tube
Sambil memerhatikan suasana jalan yang sangat sibuk di keperitan panas tengahari, tiba-tiba berkumandang lagu Rihanna, Unfaithful. Ouch! Listening to her lyrics made me sweat even though I am seated in an air conditioned car. Guilty pun ada.....malu pun ada.....Aku menjeling ke arah Iddin hoping to see his reaction. But he look relaxed while tapping his fingers on the steering wheel at the same time to the tune of the song. Mungkin aku sendiri yang rasa bersalah.
When we reached the office basement car park, "Iddin about the stroll in the park....., can we hold it until tomorrow?" I said and planned to delay the outing. "I feel like you are making advances towards me?Are you? I seriously think we need to put a stop to all this because I may have encouraged you..."
"No....no....no.....I am sorry you felt that way. It's nothing like that.....", Iddin started to explained. "I was just being myself.....we flirt, don't we? You enjoyed it as much as I did and don't lie.....I like being with you Atika. Hans entrusted me to take care of you when he's away.....and I take my responsibility seriously."
"Okay, okay.....but I'll come back to you later today. Let me speak to Hans about it. If he says it's alright with him, then I'll go. I ni isteri orang. Keluar bersama-sama outside of working hours walaupun Hans benarkan, is not my style." I explained.
"Understood, mam.....", he replied and purposely hold my hands. "Thank you...", I smiled and slide my hand underneath his and lightly tap his hands. I said, " Bad boy...!". He lifts both hands towards his chest and giggled. "Ok.., ok..., ok...I'm sorry.", was his reaction.
Part 2.
After putting Tariq to sleep, I crept on to my bed and check messages on my cell phone. Hah! Apahal pulak dia hantar gambar...... Mengadalah Iddin ni.
👻 Iddin
Everything's alright at home? 9:10 PM
Me : Yup. Nice pic. That bird is so lucky....9:15 PM
👻 Iddin
You think so? 9:15 PM
Me : I said it, didn't I? 9:15 PM
👻 Iddin
Yes you did, saja je suka buat you marah. I can now imagine surely dahi you berkerut...😆 9:16 PM
Me : 😒 what can I do for you at this time of the night? 9:16 PM
👻 Iddin
Well if you ask me such a general question, I can produce 10 answers that's lingering in my head now....9:18 PM
Me : 😏 9:19 PM
👻 Iddin
You ni bila in WA garang ya...? Tapi bila berdepan dengan I you are so much different. Macam burung tadi, kalau kita pandai memikat, burung boleh dijinakkan....9:22 PM
Me : I bukan burung! BTW do I sound that way with you? I mean garang? Because tak ada lelaki yang baik akan call bini orang malam-malam macam ni.....9:30 PM
👻 Iddin
Ouch! 2x I did not call you cuma message saja. Kalau tak suka kenapa layan? You took 8 minutes to come up with those lines to bash me? You can do much better....9: 31 PM
Me : You are so mean....9:31 PM
👻 Iddin
I'm mean........? You started it....9:32 PM
Me : No, You tricked me into this....9:33 PM
👻 Iddin
I'm no magician. I can't do tricks.....9:33 PM
I did not reply.....I was thinking of something that could really pissed him off for good. Let's make him wait....
👻 Iddin
So you decided to chicken out? Classic move as always.....9:45 PM
Me : I HATE YOU! 9:46 PM
👻 Iddin
😢 9:46 PM
Oh no, I've upset him.....I instantly speed dial his cell numbers. It rang. I still have the time to hang up......but then his voice was on the other end....."Hello...?"
Me : "Hi.... (I tone down my voice....hmmm.....his voice gives me a good goose bump), I'm sorry.......I did not mean it......", I kept silent.
Iddin : "At times your attitude shift confused me but you do excite me. Please don't be offended. Oh btw, isteri orang tak akan call lelaki bujang malam-malam ni.....", he whispered softly...
Me : "Urgh!!!Okay macam ni lah, whatever it is I am not running away from anything. Let us sleep on it tonight. Tomorrow we wake up fresh and pretend all of this never happened...", I replied.
Iddin : "Okay let us sleep on it tonight,...hmmmm....your place or mine....?, aku terdengar Iddin cuba menahan dari ketawa....
Me : Shit!!! Iddin.....oh yeah,...you're good. That was good.....you kenakan I ya......", aku juga mula tergelak terkekek-kekek. Aku menarik nafas and apologized to him, "I don't hate you Iddin. I'm sorry if I was being rude to you..."
Iddin : Ketawanya reda. "I know.....apology accepted. You know I can't hate you. I bergurau saja....alright I'll say good night to you. I'll pick you up tomorrow for work? Let's carpool to avoid unnecessary pollution."
Me : "Wow! you are so slick. Pandai saja you cari peluang nak goda I ya.....Okay, I setuju all because I work with an UN agency who puts health as their priority. How fast do you drive?", aku memikirkan about timing so I am able to adjust around my schedule.
Iddin : "Fast.", he replied.
Me : "Can you pick me up around eight tomorrow morning?", I asked.
Iddin : "I'll be there by 7:50 a m and please let the guard know I'm coming."
Me : "I will....and good night Iddin...........", I said softly.
Iddin : "Sleep tight and good night sayang.", he hung up.
A few seconds later,....beep.....beep....
👻 Iddin
Remember this? 10:14 PM
Me : Oh my God! You still have those pictures from the trekking trip? 10:15 PM
👻 Iddin
That's my favorite picture of you...💓 the snail is so lucky, huh.....10:15 PM
Me : Hahaha....we do look good as a couple kan, Iddin?.......10:16 PM
👻 Iddin
Yes, we do.....but kenapa you cakap macam tu? 10:16 PM
Me : Entahlah......I guess sebab lately I have been spending more time with you than with Hans. Kadang-kadang I tak tahu samada I lakukan secara ikhlas or because of guilt towards you. I know I hurt you before....can you ever forgive me...?
👻 Iddin
I dah lama maafkan you sayang 💋💋......10:19 PM
Me : Really appreciate it, Iddin. One last thing, can you drop the 'sayang' when you call me?
👻 Iddin
Bila I tengok gambar2 you hati I terdetik.....timbul perasaan sayang yang sangat mendalam terhadap you. Bukan senang nak lupakan cinta pertama. Yours was my first. 10:21 PM
Me : I understand. It could've been the biggest mistake or could've been the other way round. Kita tak tahu apa yang in store for our future. That's life, Iddin. Anyway it's getting late.....10:22 PM
👻 Iddin
Yeah....sleep well sayang....I'll see you tomorrow....10: 23 PM
Me : I'll see you tomorrow....oh, before I forget.....10:24 PM
👻 Iddin
What?? 10:24 PM
Me : Good night, Iddin 😁.....10:25 PM
And I hang-up. Kalau dilayan lagi, tak tidur lah jawabnya aku.
I didn't know what time Hans got back home. I fell a sleep and when I woke up I saw he was sitting in front of the computer. I sat up on the bed.
"Hans, what time is it now? Kenapa tak tidur lagi? I tried calling you twice but you didn't answer...I was worried you know.......", and I waited for his reply.
He stood up and walked over to the bed. "I'm sorry I fell a sleep at the office. I had a late meeting and didn't check my cellphone..., when I woke up I saw the time and it was quite late so I rushed home...", as he sat on the bed and kissed me on my right cheek.
"It's so strange that you are acting this way. It's not like you." Aku pelik dengan sikap Hans, lately. "I would really appreciate a courtesy call informing you'll be home late." I was a little bit upset with Hans.
"It's my fault. I'm really, really sorry. I promise it will never happened again." Hans promised. He looked at me and I looked back at him.
I got off the bed. "I wanna check on Tariq.". I looked at the table clock. 2:30 a.m. "It's almost Tariq's feeding time. I'll be in the next room....". I turned and look at Hans. "You know Hans, you look awfully tired. Pergilah tidur....", I said and left the bedroom.
While I was breastfeeding Tariq, Hans stood and lean against the door. He was staring at us. I stared back at him.
"Kenapa Hans? Are you alright?", I asked sambil gently cradling Tariq. Hans walked in and kissed me on the head. I looked up. "Don't be too long Babe, okay?", he said. I nodded. He kissed Tariq on the cheek.
Fifteen minutes later.......
Hans looked up when he saw me walked into the bedroom. "Come here, I missed you so much...", he said and I climbed onto the bed. I sat on his lap and facing him. "I missed you too....but you are acting kinda odd, Hans. You're scaring me....what's going on..?". And I squeezed his hands.
"Nothing.....I just want all of you for me tonight. During the day Tariq can have you but during the night you 're all mine.", this time his hands are on my hips. He caresses...., gently.
I got up and instantly Hans sat up. He tugged my arm a little bit and I resisted. "Babe...., ", and he let go. "Where you're going?".
I sat on my side of the bed and said, "I spoke to Iddin earlier tonight".
"Oh? Is everything okay between you guys?", he sounded concerned. "What did you guys talk about?". Hans grabbed his camera on the bedside table and was playing with it. Checking the lens and zooming in and out.
"You.....pretty much.", I replied and looked at Hans.
"Me?", he looked up and was kinda surprised by my answer.
"Yeah, you....I was just curious why both of you have to spend a week in Singapore the last 5 trips. I mean kalau meeting pun normally it will take 2-3 days saja. So I asked Iddin, what else you guys do there?, I explained.
Aku perhatikan air muka Hans berubah serta merta. "So what did he say." He slowly lay back on the bed. I sense he was not comfortable with the topic of discussion. "He called you?", Hans asked.
"Nope, I did. I thought I could get some insight of what is going on from him. Because I can see that you have done nothing but avoiding the issue every time I bring it up.", I replied truthfully. "Is there anything you are not telling me?".
"You have doubts about me and my work?", he looks serious.
"No, not to that extend. You guys corroborate your answers because Iddin said the same thing....All I want is an explanation. That is all. But if everything is good, you tell me......". I was still coercing him to spill out the truth. "Anyway I see that you have not been yourself these past months and it worries me, a lot. I am concern about you....".
"Thank you Babe. I assure you everything is fine.". He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. He grabbed his camera and got off the bed.
"Okay, if you say so......,.". I slipped myself under the comforter.
"And how often do you call Fazidin?", Hans sounded very curious. He sat on the sofa.
I left Hans last question unanswered.
Part 2.
The conversation I had with Hans a few nights ago still haunts me. This morning I'm at Iddin's office and Hans had to travel to Bali. He's meeting Bapak Yoka Sara about the progress report on his house in Port Dickson. So far it is almost at its completion stage and should be ready for his Dad's 60th birthday celebration in 2 months time.His Mom wanted to give a beach party. With Tariq's presence I seldom get to travel broad with Hans. His mom insisted if I ever want to take time off and follow Hans, she is willing to take care of her grandson. It was a nice gesture but I think it's just me.....I can't be apart from my son for so long.
"Good morning Atika...had your breakfast?", Iddin walked in his office. I was waiting for him since 9 a m this morning and he finally arrived with coffee and bagels. "Here you go, Caramel Latte for you and Caramel Macchiato for me.". He press the intercom and called his assistant in. "Fazura come in please...".
A moment later his assistant walked in...."Toasted bagel please....and don't forget the cream cheese", and Fazura nodded and left.
I find it unusual that this time round I was asked to work with Iddin. I didn't asked much since I'm on contractual basis here. "Iddin, kenapa kali ni I have to report directly to you? Normally I report to The HR Director...", I braved myself to asked Iddin.
"I am just executing Hans instructions.", dia sibuk membuka fail-fail yang ditinggalkan oleh Fazura, seolah-olah mengelak dari memandang muka aku.
"You know, it's about time you start dating. Fazura looks like a nice girl", aku tersenggih......"she's single and you pun dah lama solo.....", I proposed.
"Let's be serious Atika. That's the last thing on my mind!". Iddin raise his voice. I was shocked and flabbergasted the way Iddin reacted.
"Hey..., hey...., hey....., I'm sorry if I offended you....", aku juga mula meninggikan suara. Fazura came in with the toasted bagels. Iddin and I both stood quiet opposite each other across the table. I felt like bursting out with laughter and I was trying very hard controlling it. "Thanks Fazura, please close the door behind you.", Iddin asked Fazura to exit his office. "Ya Encik Fazidin......", jawab Fazura.
The moment I heard the door closed, I started laughing until my stomach hurts. "I'm sorry...."as I laughed uncontrollably and talking at the same time,......"It was a funny moment.....", sambil menarik nafas beberapa kali. And then, I saw Iddin smiled. I wonder whether Iddin has any interest in Fazura.
He sat on his leather arm chair. I walked over to him and lean my hips against his glass table. I crossed my legs, folded my arms and faced him. Iddin swiveled his chair and pause at me directly. There it is again......My heartbeat started pumping faster and faster. Iddin sat up straight. Now he has his hands on my hips. "Will you have lunch with me? This afternoon?", he suddenly popped a question. Caught me by surprised.
"Okay, as long as you're buying.....", I glee from ear to ear. Yes, makan free.....
"No problem....I'll drop by your office and we leave together.....", he had his strategies all laid out. He leaned back on his chair.
"No, why don't we meet in the basement. You can drive my carrrr.......", I suggested.
He replied, "Brilliant! I'll make the reservation. 12:30 p m sharp?"
"Okay, thanks for the coffee and bagel. I'll see you then......or is there anything else?", aku bersetuju.
"Nope, that is all for today. Thank you.", he replied. And I left his office.
That's Hans with the new addition to our family. Allah blessed us a baby son whom we named Hans Tariq. Adorable baby,...well what mother wouldn't praise their own child.....I was hoping for a girl since Hans had two boys from his previous marriage. Yet, we accept what was planned for us. Hans really love Tariq intensely. Every free moments he has, Tariq will always be in his arms. Hans is a hands on father. Some nights he will get up to change Tariq's diapers while I try to catch up with my sleep.
My pregnancy was a breeze. No morning sickness except I regularly have the craving for Japanese food and maggie goreng. I didn't cook much because I can't stand the smell of onions and anything fried. Didn't eat rice much but my weight shot up to an extra 25 kg.
I was a week over due and on the day of my last appointment, Doctor Idris had me admitted into the hospital.Without realizing, he confirmed that I have an opening on 3-4 cm. I was still okay. There was no labor pain so I decided to go back first to pack my maternity bag, bank in a check and did a bit of shopping. By 10:30 am I admitted myself at the hospital. Hans was in and out of the hospital for most of the time. There's still no sign that the baby wants to come out. It was already 5 p.m. when the pain start kicking in. I feel so restless and in so much pain. The nurse gave me a pain killer on my thigh since I did not request for an epidural. Hans was calm, hugging me at times, rubbing my back and holding my hands.
"It's okay Babe, I know you are in pain. I am so sorry that I am not able to share the pain with you. I want if I could......believe me.", Hans tried to calm me up.
"I know you would.....,but can you shut up!", I looked at him and gripped his hands tighter while I'm trying to control the pain.
Hans sat there and looked at me......"I'm sorry, that wasn't me......", I said and started to laugh.....then cringed in pain.....
"Alright calm down, calm down.....listen I'll be back, ok", Hans whispered softly to my ears. Doctor Idris popped up and checked on me. My vagina was like seven eleven. They just open it up whenever they feel like.......
Hans came back and sat next to me. He read The Yassin......
It was not until way past midnight that Doctor Idris vacuum sucked out the baby out of me. I no longer can push....I was too tired to even try to push. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning and I have no energy left in me. Doctor Idris was afraid, the longer we waited the baby may suffocate in the womb.
After practically being encourage to push, finally I heard the baby cried out loud while Hans went over to cut the umbilical cord. The nurses placed the baby on my chest and a few seconds after they took the baby and clean him up and gave to Hans. Hans mengazankan anak kami and kissed him. He came closer to me and I held my son for the first time. I can't describe the feeling. After two miscarriages,....alhamdulillah we have a healthy 3.72 kg baby boy.
On Hans advised, I took a year off of unpaid leave where in between I do a few HR consultancy work for his company. I am still hesitant to permanently leave my job. I love where I work. Whenever I get the chance I will set up lunch date with my work colleagues. I missed them and my work.
Hans was made the CEO of Hans & Hans Architect while his dad was appointed as the Chairman of the firm. I bumped into Iddin quite regularly at the office. He was made the Director of Design with good perks. Being a licensed architect with a thorough knowledge of architecture practice Iddin also develop designs standard and supervised design department. He overseas design presentations and monitors project design management. He still resides in Cyberjaya and seriously thinking of purchasing a property here. His wife still commutes between Perth and KL every two months. I heard the arrangement brought about a strain in their marriage. I know they will work things out.
Hans children are now 17 and 15 years old, are very protective of Tariq. I can rely on them to babysit their little brother. The three of them will one day lead this firm. By the way, they have been living with us for over a year. They are very active in sports and debate at school. We will always be there in the front row cheering them.
But lately I notice Hans has lost a considerable of body weight. Aku juga perasaan mukanya cengkung. Stress kerja? Kadang-kadang aku perasaan Hans kerap mengelamun. I must find out what's going on.........
That night I saw him in bed, reading Pramoedya Ananta Toer's King, the Witch and the Priest, about a 12th century Javanese Tales.
"Mmmmm....Pramoedya...? Wow heavy stuff you got there.", aku
mengusik Hans. He smiled at me.
"You pernah baca buku-buku Pramoedya?", Maybe he was just
testing my knowledge on the author.
I lay down on the bed and rested both my arms under my head. "Of
course. I took literature when I was in Form 6. I studied Keluarga
Gerilya.", I proudly said.
"Amboi! Baru baca satu buku........", then I cut
in,"Bukan baca saja tau but studied the story and message."
"That book wasn't just any book. I sleep and eat with the
book." I continued. Hans slide closer to me and asked, "So what's the
book called, Keluarga.....apa tadi?".
"Keluarga Gerilya. My memory may not be so good since
it has been a long time. Tapi membaca buku tu seperti kita dapat membaca sebuah
keindahan. Keindahan falsafah, keindahan prinsip, keindahan perjuangan,
keindahan cinta dan bermacam-macam keindahan lain. The entire story took three
days and three nights during a revolution in Jakarta around 1947. How many
people suffered because of war or revolution? And how many hundreds or perhaps
thousands of people died and dragged their family ke dalam kehancuran dan
penderitaan? Unaccountable. So that’s what happened to kelurga Amilah dan
keluarga Samaan. Theirs was just the tip
of the iceberg.”
"Memory not so good huh....?", and he started to tickle me on
my waist.
“Geli lah…., but wait, wait, can I ask you something….”, I menukar
topic perbualan.
“Sure, go right ahead…”’ he gave me his utmost attention.
“I noticed recently like you are losing weight and muka you cengkung.
Is everything alright?? And please don’t lie to me because if I ever find out
the truth I will not forgive you…..”, aku bertanya or rather threatened him.
He looked at me and replied, “I am fine. Maybe tired and a bit stress
here and there but overall everything is okay. And thank you for your
concern….”. And he kissed me on the lips.
“I’m just worried about you….tengok pipi you dah cengkung….”, aku mengusap-usap
pipi Hans. He grabbed and kissed my hands.
“Really, I am fine….”, and he kissed me again on my lips.
Hans kerap ke luar negara lately. He said there is a potential project
in Singapore. Iddin would always accompany him.
Three weeks at home then he’s off to Singapore again.
Part 2.
One day I decided to call Iddin just to catch up on things…..
Me : “Assalamualaikum….”, I greeted Iddin.
Iddin : “Waalaikum salam….Atika is that really you? How long has it
been? A year or two perhaps?”
Me : "Eh, mana ada…..kan baru 3 hari lepas we met at a meeting…?”, as I recalled.
Iddin : "No, what I meant was, you calling me?”, he explained.
Me : "Is it convenient for you to talk?” I asked.
Iddin : “For you, any time of the day….”, and there he goes flirting again with me.
Me : “I am sorry about what happened to your marriage….”, and I kept silence.
Iddin : “Yeah, but it’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry
about.” Iddin convinced me.
Me : “Tak ada cara lain ke nak selamatkan your marriage?” I asked.
Iddin : “The way I see it,……nope. I guess at some point in a marriage
you just grew apart when both of you forget to fight to save it. And that’s
what happened.”
Me : “Jangan lupa tanggungjawab you as a father. Always be there for
your children.” I advised him.
Iddin : “Thanks for your kind words……so what’s up with you….?” I heard
him sipping from a straw.
Me : “What’s that you’re drinking? Let me guess, it’s Slurppy from
7-11…”, and I laughed. And I heard he laughed, too.
Iddin : “Good guess….I’m impressed. Psychic lah you ni……..”, and
continued to laugh…..
Credit to Simply Red and You Tube.
Then I overheard a song played over Iddin’s stereo…..we were silence……..The moment
the song ended,
Me : “Wow,…..I like this version. That song…..did you had anything to
do with that…? How did you know I like the song....", aku tanya.
Iddin : “Me? You are the one who called me…”, Jawab Iddin dengan selamba.
Me : “Okay…..maybe just coincidence…”, I assured myself. “Boleh tak I
nak tanya you about Hans?”
Iddin : “Hmmm,.....so you want me to spy on Hans? Is that it?”
Me : “No nothing like that….I am just curious since both of you
frequently travel to Singapore, what do you guys do sampai seminggu kat sana? It has
been 5 times in the past months…..can you enlightened me?”
Iddin : "Work and meeting pretty much…..", and he was silent......
Me : "You mean every time you guys do that..……and no other hanky panky?”, I was testing Iddin.
Iddin : "What are you trying to imply? Come on woman, you practically
married to this guy. You think he’s fooling around with another woman?.....Be
real……In his mind is work and once he done, it’s with you where he wants to be.
Are you blind!”
Me : "Hello, hello, excuse me. Apa pasal you emotional sangat ni. Kalau tak ada hanky panky, tak ada lah. Tak payahlah garang sangat.", I was defensive. I didn't quite understand why he burst out like just now. Is he hiding something?
Iddin : "I’m sorry…..but how dare to think Hans like that……he’s your
husband Atika….you know him better that he’ll never do that to you…..", Iddin was defending his friend.
I kept quiet. Iddin is right. I doubted my husband.
Me : "Iddin, I have to go. I wanna check on Tariq." I wanted to excuse myself.
Iddin : "Hmmm……sure. Anyway, that’s what you always do best……runaway
from the situation rather than dealing with it. "He sound pissed off by my immediate reaction.
Me : I’m sorry…..,"
Iddin : "Jangan minta maaf dengan I. You minta maaf dengan suami you…..”,
and it really hurts hearing those words came from Iddin. Rasa malu di dalam
diri ini. “I’m glad we had this talk. Good night Atika. Take care and love you.”
The phone line went dead…………………….
I looked at he picture stand next to my bed. Hans and baby Tariq when he was three months old. Where are you Hans? It’s almost midnight and belum balik. Now, I’m getting
worried. Hans did not pick up his cell phone the two times I called.
