It's our last day in Positano. Tomorrow we will be going back to Kuala Lumpur. I decided to go out to do a little bit of shopping before we pack up our stuff later tonight. Hans has a few paper works that he needs to finalized, and I do not want to be couped up in the hotel room.
I left Hans in the room and felt so free roaming around the hotel. I walked each corner of the hotel : into the kitchen, restaurants, reception, and said my good-byes. The employees here have been like a family during my 2 weeks stay in Positano. I walked over to the pool area but it was quiet. Empty. I sat for a while by the pool and put my legs in the warm water. So soothing. I looked around, yes....I am going to miss this place for sure.
I haven't seen Iddin since we returned from Pompeii last night. It was a relief that I did not bump into him this afternoon.
After I returned from my shopping, Hans and I decided to start packing and it turned out we maximized our baggage allowance. Hans said if we need to pay for access baggage then that's what we have to do. I agreed but I am more worried about the customs clearance in KL.
In the evening we went to Franco’s Bar and hangout there for
cocktails. Later walked back to La Sponda Restaurant for dinner. We sat outside to enjoy the
beautiful night view for the last time.
Hans asked, “So how has it been so far for you?"
" Today?" I asked him back.
" Well yeah today and the rest of the trip?" Hans wants to know....
"It has been an unbelievable experience for me, Hans. You should know better. You were with me for most of the time. Semuanya cukup....bad times, good times, exciting times, and also a wake up call time....it's really an eye opener. I love being a part of your life. You have been a great support through thick and thin. You don't judge me. It feel so beautiful when you can find someone who asks for nothing but just for your company. I tahu kadang-kadang I bersikap childish but that's what I like about you. You accept me the way I am. Sebab not everybody can tolerate my attitude. I have people say I am stuck up but they don't know who I am or rather they want to understand me. Hans, I have gone through so much in my life. I lost my mom when I was eight then I lost my father....and things that happened in between made me cautious of my surrounding. I build a wall so that I don't feel hurt. I became tough to the extend I will block anything and anyone who comes my way. I'm an observer. I observed and make my conclusion. Kalau I tak suka, sampai bila-bila pun I tak akan suka......", and I let out some of my feelings.
"....but you know.....sometimes if we are too tough pun not good for us. Hati keras macam batu." Hans said selamba saja.
"I know. It is not easy to change. I have been very protective of myself all this while from getting hurt." I replied to his statement.
"Yeah,...like being selfish?" he said.
"Perhaps....." my short answer and I left it at there......we were quiet.....
Then Hans shift another topic. "Babe, we made our baby in Italy. Have you decided any names for our baby….any Italian name in mind?”, as he looked at me.
" Today?" I asked him back.
" Well yeah today and the rest of the trip?" Hans wants to know....
"It has been an unbelievable experience for me, Hans. You should know better. You were with me for most of the time. Semuanya cukup....bad times, good times, exciting times, and also a wake up call time....it's really an eye opener. I love being a part of your life. You have been a great support through thick and thin. You don't judge me. It feel so beautiful when you can find someone who asks for nothing but just for your company. I tahu kadang-kadang I bersikap childish but that's what I like about you. You accept me the way I am. Sebab not everybody can tolerate my attitude. I have people say I am stuck up but they don't know who I am or rather they want to understand me. Hans, I have gone through so much in my life. I lost my mom when I was eight then I lost my father....and things that happened in between made me cautious of my surrounding. I build a wall so that I don't feel hurt. I became tough to the extend I will block anything and anyone who comes my way. I'm an observer. I observed and make my conclusion. Kalau I tak suka, sampai bila-bila pun I tak akan suka......", and I let out some of my feelings.
"....but you know.....sometimes if we are too tough pun not good for us. Hati keras macam batu." Hans said selamba saja.
"I know. It is not easy to change. I have been very protective of myself all this while from getting hurt." I replied to his statement.
"Yeah,...like being selfish?" he said.
"Perhaps....." my short answer and I left it at there......we were quiet.....
Then Hans shift another topic. "Babe, we made our baby in Italy. Have you decided any names for our baby….any Italian name in mind?”, as he looked at me.
Aku mencebik bibirku. “No, not really. I am more concern of the baby’s health. Name
can come much later. Maybe something short and has good meaning,….I am okay
with that….”, I put on a smile for him and hold his hand. Hans has his other hand
on my baby bump.
“Alright, whatever you say….you’re the BOSS…..”, he kissed
me on my cheek. I leaned against his shoulder and he gently placed his head
against mine. We just sat there looking over Positano Bay while continue our intimate conversation.
"You know I love you...?" Hans asked. I smiled and kissed him on his lips. That should confimed my answer.
"You know I love you...?" Hans asked. I smiled and kissed him on his lips. That should confimed my answer.
Then suddenly,…..”I hope you won’t mind me joining you guys?". Iddin muncul dengan tiba-tiba. I was
surprised that he finally popped up just to spoil my mood.
“Hey man, where did you go missing today?”, Hans
menyapa but Iddin was still standing. I looked up at him and smile.
“Please, have a seat. Bukit ni belum lagi nak runtuh….”, and
Hans gave me nudge. I understood what it meant. But being Iddin, si muka tembok
he couldn’t care less. He pulls the chair opposite me and he practically block my view.
“En. Fazidin, maaf ya. If you don't mind can you switch seating? You are blocking my view.”, I said politely and smiled.
“En. Fazidin, maaf ya. If you don't mind can you switch seating? You are blocking my view.”, I said politely and smiled.
“I am? I am so sorry. Here, I’ll move to your right….(he
pulled his chair next to mine)….Now, how’s the view?”, he asked seakan memerli aku. I heard Hans giggle a bit.
“Perfect. I really appreciate it and thank you.”, I replied. Menyampah!
After dinner, I excused myself. I told Hans I just wanna go
to bed early since it will be a long journey home. But in actual fact I can’t
stand Iddin’s presence. I know I need to face and tell him the truth about the
past but when? How? I left both Hans and Iddin deep in some conversation about Bali architecture.
Part 2.
"So when are you planning to have a word with
Fazidin? I highly suggest that you settle it once and for all before you guys
go back to KL. Sebab lagi lama hal in tertangguh the more uncomfortable it will
make you feel." Hans asked.
"Yes, I know and you are right. But I seganla Hans….Should I
call him or knock on his door? Or kena set appointment ke? Couldn’t he just put it to rest? It happened a
long time ago, anyway…." I was miserable trying to figure out how to face Iddin.
"Well, I’ll leave it to you however way you wanna do it…just
remember you are my wife and he is a married man…." Hans warned.
"What’s that supposed to mean? You tak percayakan I?" I was taken a back by Hans remarks.
"Bukan I tak percayakan you…..I tak percayakan mana-mana
lelaki yang cuba ganggu isteri I." he replied and tersengih...
"Seriously? Hans, you nak bergurau tak kena pada tempat. But I really appreciate very much what you are trying to do. It was
never my intention to get you involved in my situation. You have saved my arse numerous times and I’m indebted to you." I told him.
"Babe, I do not want kisah silam haunt you like what’s
happening now. I appreciate you spoke to me about you and Fazidin. He’ll be working with
us and you will bump into him on daily basis at the office. At least you guys
could just be friends rather than openly intimidate each other." he explained in length.
"Thanks for the advice, Hans.". I said. He smiled and asked me as he saw me walking away from him, "And where do you think you're going?"
I replied, "Nowhere just wanna crawl in bed and think..."
"Come here you....", he said and I lazily walked back towards him. "You tak mahu kiss me goodnight?"
"Eeee…manjanya dia…..", and I kissed both his cheeks. "You nak fikir apa atas katil tu?", he asked.
"I have to think of a tactical plan.", I said and move my fingers on his face vertically. Hans is always right. I must settle this very soon.
Instead of walking towards the bed I went straight to the changing area and put on my jeans and a t-shirt. I came out and said straight out to Hans, "Alright,…..wish me luck. I am going to settle my problem tonight because after tonight I don't want the past over shadowing my future."
"Hans, if I don't do it now I am afraid I will keep on delaying things. You jugak cakap I have to deal with this before we go back home. And home is tomorrow....", I argued.
"Alright, if you must. Talk things through and don't be out too long. Bring your jacket along or you'll catch cold pulak nanti...". Hans last advise.
"Thanks Hans, I'll see you in a bit. Love you. Jangan tidur tau. Wait for me..." I said.
"Oh yes, I will definitely wait up for you babe....call me if you need me to chop his legs, or arms...." Hans bergurau. Aku mencekak pinggang terasa seolah-olah di perli oleh Hans.
Part 3.
I went walking through the hallway and thinking should I go be knocking on Iddin hotel room this late. This is crazy. Tak manis lah kalau jadi perigi cari timba….I decided it was not a good idea and went straight to the reception and place a call to Iddin.
I went walking through the hallway and thinking should I go be knocking on Iddin hotel room this late. This is crazy. Tak manis lah kalau jadi perigi cari timba….I decided it was not a good idea and went straight to the reception and place a call to Iddin.
"Hello?" I heard him on the other end of the line.
I could see that my hands were trembling. "Hi Iddin, it’s me.", I said.
He looks confused. "At this hour.....? What is it....what is that you want to explain?" he asked as he ran his fingers through his hair.
" I wanna apologized for what happened 15 years ago. It was selfish of me to break-up with you.". I started off the conversation.
"Ahhh...that issue. Well the way I look at it, it was more of being dumped." he sounded bitter.
"I know how you must felt...." belum sempat aku meneruskan ayat aku Iddin memotong, "No! I don't think you know how I felt." he cut me off.
"Please just hear me out first then I kalau you nak lepaskan geram you pada I, I akan terima......don't get me wrong.", I pause and looked at him. He stared at me and nodded. Kenapa tiba-tiba bila aku pandang dia, he looks so hot?
"Okay.....Masa tu I like you, a lot. In fact I dah mula jatuh hati pada you. The semester I met you was my final semester before I leave for the States to continue with my studies. Hati I bercampur baur sebab nak tinggalkan you sedangkan we've just met. I love the attention and I enjoyed the times we spent. Don't know kalau you remember the last day before I left we went to a supermarket in Klang and bought the Ray Ban sunglasses? I still have it." I stopped and want to see his reaction. He gave a blank look but his eyes never left my face.
I continued, "Frankly speaking I could not remember you being all upset on my departure. When I arrived in the States, all I could think was you and of course my family.....a few weeks past and I met with so many new people from different culture, background, race....they made me happy....I was not lonely anymore and I'm starting to forget us a little by little. I cried when I go to sleep each night thinking when will I receive your next letter....I was afraid that our long distance relation might not last. Most of all I was afraid that I might not be faithful to you and vice versa. I'm in the States and you in Malaysia, anything can happen. In order not to have my heart broken long into our relationship, I decided it better we just be friends. It was hard for me to write the letter. I lied when I wrote to you that I have met someone else and wanna move on with my life. I rather get hurt in the initial stage than later. Because I cannot take the fact sometime along the relationship you will tell me that you've met someone else....."
"Iddin, it was a difficult decision but the right one. you were beyond my reach. Being thousands miles away from home, from you was hard.", and I stopped and he sat there staring at me.
" I feel like a fool now. Pouring out my heart here and you sitting there like a Buddha statue. Okay, I said what I wanted to say. Most of all, I nak minta maaf that I hurt your feelings 15 years ago. I was just thinking of myself and being down right selfish. I was just protecting both of us from being hurt."
Iddin took a deep breath. "You are right about being selfish. Self centered and bull shit, you were not protecting 'us' from getting hurt. You were protecting yourself. Yourself alone." Iddin spoke and I know it came from his heart. I felt warm tears rolling down my face. I looked down to the floor.
" Look at me when I am talking to you, such a whore....", and slowly I raised my head and looked at him. I wanted to get up and slap his face for calling me a whore. But I banyak berselawat di dalam hati and sabar saja. Yes, it was my mistake and I have woken up the Ginnie in the bottle.
Aku rasakan macam staring competition....he just looked at me. I tak berani untuk tundukkan kepala so I stared at him.
Iddin stood up and grabbed my arm. "Come.....this way." He said.
"Where are we going?" I asked. Iddin place his pointer finger on his lips. "Just follow. No more explanations and no more questions. It's my turn to talk and you just shut up!"
Aku mula takut dengan tindakkan Iddin but I just followed him. We walked to the pool area and Iddin lit up a cigarette.
It was very cold outside. I didn't want to say anything but I was rubbing my hands on my arms to stay warm. He walked closer me and took off his sweater. He asked me to put up my hands and he put the sweater over me. Drakkar. It smells good......I remember when I first bought him a bottle of Drakkar. "Thanks..." I said softly. He was expressionless.
"I wanted to throw you off the hill but I then I will be in a big trouble." Iddin said. I was shock by his words.
"Kalau I nak cerita panjang pun there's no point to it. Benda dah lalu and we both have moved on with our lives. What kept ringing in my ears when I saw you again is what could it have been if our relationship lasted? This past week was hell for me. I envy whenever I see you are happy with Hans. It could have been me. The sight both of you in each others arms, it could have been you in my arms. Hmmm...and when you kissed Hans, I felt as though you are kissing me. I am going crazy here, don't you see, Atikah!?", we were stationery.
We stood there facing each other. A minute. Two....Three...... I felt comatose.....again tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried to turn my face to the side but Iddin first wiped off the tears.
"I wanna hold you now, so bad that it hurts so much, Atikah. I took a semester off after you dumped me and look for a job. My parents were not happy with my decision. I macam hilang haluan. I malas pergi class sebab you no longer take the same bus. You will not walk to class with me. I hated KFC. Then I came to term with reality. You will never be mine....", Iddin cupped my face with his large hands. I froze......
"I could kiss you, you know. I kissed you before with your braces on.....I wonder how does it taste now. Look at those sets of beautiful reconstructed teeth of yours....., but I won't. You're married now to my boss. We will be working together at least from time to time. That I know for sure. Oh God....I cannot fake it anymore....." he said and pulled my face closer to his lips.... Hard. I struggled and tried to let myself free but I don't understand......at that moment I relented. I kissed him back. I tasted anger than passion. Dang!! Suddenly I came back to my senses and immediately pushed him and ran off in to the night.....Oh my God, what have I done. I wiped my lips numerous times.
"Atikah....!" but he finally got hold of me...."I am really, really sorry.....wait, I just wanna make sure that you are alright."
"Me? Who?", he replied. Ah! dia ni buat-buat tak kenal pulak.
“Atikah. Were you a sleep? I’m sorry if I catch you at a bad
time. Perhaps we can do this some other time.". He really sounded like he just woke up….."No, no….Is everything alright?" he asked.
Yes, yes everything is okay. I’m at the reception. Can I see you? I will wait for you in the lounge. I’ll see you in 10 minutes, boleh? I explained."
"Hmmmm….wait for me and don't go anywhere...", and he hang-up.
It was already fifteen minutes past midnight when Iddin
showed up. He has his hands in his jeans pocket to keep them warm. He saw me
and said, “What’s up?”
"Hi, sorry again I made you get out of bed. Please have a seat. I have some explaining to do here, tonight. Because if I don't do it now I don't know whether I will ever have enough courage to do it again...I need to talk and resolve old issues here. Are you up to it or it can hold on?" I said and sat down the same time as Iddin took his seat on the plush sofa.He looks confused. "At this hour.....? What is it....what is that you want to explain?" he asked as he ran his fingers through his hair.
" I wanna apologized for what happened 15 years ago. It was selfish of me to break-up with you.". I started off the conversation.
"Ahhh...that issue. Well the way I look at it, it was more of being dumped." he sounded bitter.
"I know how you must felt...." belum sempat aku meneruskan ayat aku Iddin memotong, "No! I don't think you know how I felt." he cut me off.
"Please just hear me out first then I kalau you nak lepaskan geram you pada I, I akan terima......don't get me wrong.", I pause and looked at him. He stared at me and nodded. Kenapa tiba-tiba bila aku pandang dia, he looks so hot?
"Okay.....Masa tu I like you, a lot. In fact I dah mula jatuh hati pada you. The semester I met you was my final semester before I leave for the States to continue with my studies. Hati I bercampur baur sebab nak tinggalkan you sedangkan we've just met. I love the attention and I enjoyed the times we spent. Don't know kalau you remember the last day before I left we went to a supermarket in Klang and bought the Ray Ban sunglasses? I still have it." I stopped and want to see his reaction. He gave a blank look but his eyes never left my face.
I continued, "Frankly speaking I could not remember you being all upset on my departure. When I arrived in the States, all I could think was you and of course my family.....a few weeks past and I met with so many new people from different culture, background, race....they made me happy....I was not lonely anymore and I'm starting to forget us a little by little. I cried when I go to sleep each night thinking when will I receive your next letter....I was afraid that our long distance relation might not last. Most of all I was afraid that I might not be faithful to you and vice versa. I'm in the States and you in Malaysia, anything can happen. In order not to have my heart broken long into our relationship, I decided it better we just be friends. It was hard for me to write the letter. I lied when I wrote to you that I have met someone else and wanna move on with my life. I rather get hurt in the initial stage than later. Because I cannot take the fact sometime along the relationship you will tell me that you've met someone else....."
"Iddin, it was a difficult decision but the right one. you were beyond my reach. Being thousands miles away from home, from you was hard.", and I stopped and he sat there staring at me.
" I feel like a fool now. Pouring out my heart here and you sitting there like a Buddha statue. Okay, I said what I wanted to say. Most of all, I nak minta maaf that I hurt your feelings 15 years ago. I was just thinking of myself and being down right selfish. I was just protecting both of us from being hurt."
Iddin took a deep breath. "You are right about being selfish. Self centered and bull shit, you were not protecting 'us' from getting hurt. You were protecting yourself. Yourself alone." Iddin spoke and I know it came from his heart. I felt warm tears rolling down my face. I looked down to the floor.
" Look at me when I am talking to you, such a whore....", and slowly I raised my head and looked at him. I wanted to get up and slap his face for calling me a whore. But I banyak berselawat di dalam hati and sabar saja. Yes, it was my mistake and I have woken up the Ginnie in the bottle.
Aku rasakan macam staring competition....he just looked at me. I tak berani untuk tundukkan kepala so I stared at him.
Iddin stood up and grabbed my arm. "Come.....this way." He said.
"Where are we going?" I asked. Iddin place his pointer finger on his lips. "Just follow. No more explanations and no more questions. It's my turn to talk and you just shut up!"
Aku mula takut dengan tindakkan Iddin but I just followed him. We walked to the pool area and Iddin lit up a cigarette.
It was very cold outside. I didn't want to say anything but I was rubbing my hands on my arms to stay warm. He walked closer me and took off his sweater. He asked me to put up my hands and he put the sweater over me. Drakkar. It smells good......I remember when I first bought him a bottle of Drakkar. "Thanks..." I said softly. He was expressionless.
"I wanted to throw you off the hill but I then I will be in a big trouble." Iddin said. I was shock by his words.
"Kalau I nak cerita panjang pun there's no point to it. Benda dah lalu and we both have moved on with our lives. What kept ringing in my ears when I saw you again is what could it have been if our relationship lasted? This past week was hell for me. I envy whenever I see you are happy with Hans. It could have been me. The sight both of you in each others arms, it could have been you in my arms. Hmmm...and when you kissed Hans, I felt as though you are kissing me. I am going crazy here, don't you see, Atikah!?", we were stationery.
We stood there facing each other. A minute. Two....Three...... I felt comatose.....again tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried to turn my face to the side but Iddin first wiped off the tears.
"I wanna hold you now, so bad that it hurts so much, Atikah. I took a semester off after you dumped me and look for a job. My parents were not happy with my decision. I macam hilang haluan. I malas pergi class sebab you no longer take the same bus. You will not walk to class with me. I hated KFC. Then I came to term with reality. You will never be mine....", Iddin cupped my face with his large hands. I froze......
"I could kiss you, you know. I kissed you before with your braces on.....I wonder how does it taste now. Look at those sets of beautiful reconstructed teeth of yours....., but I won't. You're married now to my boss. We will be working together at least from time to time. That I know for sure. Oh God....I cannot fake it anymore....." he said and pulled my face closer to his lips.... Hard. I struggled and tried to let myself free but I don't understand......at that moment I relented. I kissed him back. I tasted anger than passion. Dang!! Suddenly I came back to my senses and immediately pushed him and ran off in to the night.....Oh my God, what have I done. I wiped my lips numerous times.
"Atikah....!" but he finally got hold of me...."I am really, really sorry.....wait, I just wanna make sure that you are alright."
"Just leave me alone, Iddin. I am not alright." I stopped and turned back to look at him. "Okay are you satisfied. I am not alright. You have a wife and you call me a whore and now you are
looking at me. Stop looking at me."
"I’m not looking at you. I’m not looking at you." Iddin tried to deny his actions.
"No you are looking at me and you watch me." I raised my voice a little. "Hans has plans, I love him and he’s perfect for me. I am trying here to be happy. And I can’t breathe. And I can’t breathe with you looking at
me like that so just stop." I pleaded him to stop.
"You think I wanna look at you? Do you? Do you? and I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife. I’m married, I have
responsibilities. She,..she doesn’t drive me crazy. She doesn’t make it impossible
for make me feel normal. She doesn't makes me sick to my stomach thinking about another man keeps touching her with his hands. I would give anything not to be looking at you."
I was stunned by his words, his reaction. I was really....."And you summed up all that during your week stay in Italy.? I said what I came to say and I have to go.....above there my husband is waiting for me. I told him I was going to confront you about our past but,...but...., I wasn't expecting this from you. You have to let me go....you have to forget me. Please, please I am begging you to find a small part in your heart to forgive me.....I can't....I got to go.....", and I hold to squeeze his hands. I stepped back and walked away.......letting go of his hands.
I was stunned by his words, his reaction. I was really....."And you summed up all that during your week stay in Italy.? I said what I came to say and I have to go.....above there my husband is waiting for me. I told him I was going to confront you about our past but,...but...., I wasn't expecting this from you. You have to let me go....you have to forget me. Please, please I am begging you to find a small part in your heart to forgive me.....I can't....I got to go.....", and I hold to squeeze his hands. I stepped back and walked away.......letting go of his hands.
Credit to You Tube and Maneer Alrawahna
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