Chapter 23 - Could It Be I'm Falling In Love.

Part 1.

"Mama called and she’s having a good time in London. I am happy for her." Aku menghampiri Hans dan duduk bersebelahannya. Hans masih sibuk membuat online booking for both our hotel and air tickets.

"That was nice of her to call. I am happy that she is having a good time. Banyak ke dia shopping?" Hans melayan perbualanku.

"She said she did a little bit of shopping today." Aku menjawab .

"Ok. All set and booked. Cuma tunggu kita sampai saja in Positano." Hans smiled and brushed my nose with his knuckle.

"Hey, what’s that for?" Aku bertanya.

"Nothing. Saja suka-suka….." he replied. "Babe, can I asked you something?"

"Sure, what’s on your mind?" Aku memberi perhatian penuh. Jarang sekali Hans bertanya soalan sedemikian. Seakan pelik bunyinya….

"I hope you can be truthful to me because this concerns about what happened to you the day Ghazz took you away. Please don’t get upset but I deserve to know what actually happened until the day I found you at the abortion clinic in Budapest." Hans akhirnya akur kepada naluri kelelakiannya.

Ya aku faham perasaan ingin tahunya itu. Memang sekian lama dia sabar menunggu the right time to ask me. Aku mendiamkan diri. Bagaimana harus aku memulakannya. Aku seboleh-bolehnya ingin melupakan masa silamku but I accept the fact that today Hans knows the truth.

Aku termenung jauh ke arah luar tingkap. "Tika? (sound of finger snapping) Are you here with me? Are you ready to tell me?" He wants to know.

I looked at Hans expressionless. Aku bangun dari kerusi  and walked over to the mini bar. I boiled hot water and made myself coffee. “Coffee?” aku bertanya pada Hans.

“I would love some, babe. Thanks.” He replied. I prepared another mug for Hans.

I passed him the coffee and sat opposite him. Then I began to tell him….

"Sebelum I menceritakan semuanya pada you, I want you to have an open mind about the entire situation. I also want you to know it is not easy for me to share this with you since I have being trying very hard to forget the incident. I understand you are my husband now, and yes I agree you deserve to know the whole story." Hans came over and held my hands but I pushed him away. I guess I was a little bit pissed off with him for wanting to know what happened in Budapest.

“You are upset with me, aren't you?” Hans asked.

“Imagine it happened to you.  How would you feel when asked to recall each and every moment in detail. I am sure you wouldn’t like it.” Aku menjelaskan padanya.

“I understand. I can only imagine what you went through but if you don’t share it with someone, specifically me, it’ll bottle up and one day it’ll explode. Then, I may not be able to cope the consequences.” Hans explained gently as possible and he tuck my hair behind my ears.

Aku menyilangkan kakiku dan menundukkan sedikit badanku. “I saw you got shot. You fell down and there was blood all over your shirt. You fell down on to the ground and you laid there helpless. When I called out for you, Ghazz hit my face with the back of his hand and I was dragged into Ghazz car by one of his man. The guy pinned me down on the back seat and I felt something sharp poked on my arm. The next thing I knew I was in an airplane. A private plane that is and I have no idea where we were going. I don't know how he got me out of the country without a passport? It is so ridiculous." I sipped my coffee and took a deep breath. Hans menganggukkan kepalanya.

"When I woke up, there was Ghazz and 2 of his men sitting and staring at me.  I asked Ghazz why is he doing this to me. I asked about you. He said that you are already dead and gone to hell. What am I supposed to think,….my Hans is dead….? I didn't want to belief him but I saw you in pool of blood and there could be some truth in what he said. Everyday he kept reminding me that he's glad your are no longer around and he can claim me all for himself. I became his property now." Aku bersandar di kerusi bertentangan Hans.

"Ghazz is crazy. How long were you in the plane?” Hans asked and stood up. He walked past behind me and rubbed my shoulder. Then he made himself another mug of coffee. Maybe dia stress sebab jarang Hans minum kopi lebih dari satu.

"I don’t exactly know but we changed to a commercial flight from Singapore. Most of the time he held on to me and said that if I ever tried to escape or asked for help, that will be the end of me." Hans sat down again next to me and placed his coffee on the table. He took my hands and squeeze them. I held them tight.

"It was such a long journey and I think Ghazz spiked either my drink or food cause I slept  two third of the journey. I was too weak to walk when we stepped out of the plane and Ghazz requested a wheelchair for me. The stewardess was curious but she didn’t asked further."Aku melepaskan tangan Hans dan merapatkan kedua-dua lututku ke dada. Hans hanya memerhatikan gerak lakuku.

"At what point did you know where you were in Budapest?" soal Hans.

"Not until we left the airport. The taxi driver greeted us and said, “Good afternoon Sir, welcome to Budapest." I cried all the way to the apartment. I was tired, scared and confused. All the time I thought of you, mama and what’s going to happen to me."

By now I am feeling very uncomfortable. I kept changing my sitting position when I finally stood and start pacing.

"I think I passed out for 2 days and was left in a room alone with my hands tied most of the time.  Every time he comes by I begged him to let me go or I said I'll scream for help. He said that I can scream all I want because nobody can hear me. He was right. I tried on several occasion yet no one came to my rescue. He regularly checks up on me and brought along a few pairs of shoes, clothes, lingerie and handbags. Maybe he thinks he can buy my love with all the expensive things he bought. I asked him why all these expensive things and he just smile. I was afraid that he plans to sell me to a prostitution ring since you know,....how Eastern European countries are quite known for human trafficking." I stopped pacing and turn to Hans. Hans was very attentive listening to everything I said.

"Come and sit down, babe. Take a breather, ok. I am not gonna judge you." Hans tries to calm me down.

"This is going to get worse. Do you want me to continue?" aku bertanya.

"Yes." His short and firm answer. He looked down. Perhaps feeling embarrassed before what comes next. 

Part 2.

Air mataku mula mengalir. "All he wanted from me was sex. He never intended to marry me. I felt things he did to me was his way of revenge because he claimed I left him for you. He was just using me. I became the object to fulfill his sexual appetite."

Aku mengesat airmata… yang entah keberapa kali. "It does not matter what time of they day, I tidur, I mandi, kalau dia rasa he wants me he just command me to strip naked.  He doesn’t take no for an answer. He doesn’t care kalau sakit perut atau pening. When he couldn't have me during my menstruation he expect oral pleasure. It has to be his way. All I pray was he does not go beyond that......."

By now I slumped my face in my palms. Malu....sangat, sangat malu menceritakan semuanya pada suamiku. How can I go on describing the intense moment with Ghazz. I stopped to compose myself. Hans looked so stressed by just listening. He stood up and pacing back and forth. Then he asked, "You didn’t fight him?" and stared at me.

"You must be crazy…..he carries a pistol on him all the time and has a pocket knife under his socks. I was threatened at gun point on my temple several times kalau I tak dengar cakap dia.  After more than 3 weeks I relented and accepted the fact that you are gone, me being far away from Malaysia and not allowed to leave the apartment unless it’s with him. I was weak, I was malnourished. I just couldn't afford to fight him. He was much stronger and I gave myself to him. I learned to accept my fate was in his hands to gain his trust with the hope that one day I can have the courage to be stronger and escape from the hell hole. When I started to gain his trust he untied me, provided descent meal and acted more humane."

I looked up at Hans to see his reaction. He was calm. I continued...."After every sexual intercourse I normally slipped slowly to the bathroom when he's asleep and threw up. Sometimes I force myself to throw up. I rasa murah and jijik whenever I see my face in the mirror. I despise him. I have seen him went berserk. Throwing things at his men for reason which I haven't got the slightest idea. Mula-mula sampai in Budapest dia kerap kali juga sepak and terajang I. Dah jadi perkara biasa bagi I dengan bengkak and lebam di merata badan. But never did he harm or hurt my face. The more obedient I was he showered me with more expensive gifts and cigarettes. At that rate I redha saja." Aku teresak-esak and Hans came to wipe my tears. He kissed me on my forehead.

Hans stood up and he leaned against the wall. He folded his arms and didn't even looked at me when he asked."The first time he…touched you…..was it consensual?"

Dengan nada yang mendatar aku menjawab, “How could you ask me such question? You think I enjoyed it? For crying out load I lost my virginity to the man I despised the most. All these years I've been saving it for the man I intended to marry, not to a bastard like Ghazz!" I raised my voice towards the end to make Hans understand it wasn't consensual. I saw his eyes red and oh my God! Hans has tears in his eyes......

"I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings........" he didn't finish his sentence when I interrupted. He quickly wiped off his tears.

"Does it make any difference if it is consensual or not? Is it very important to you? Well Hans the answer was NO. It was without my consent and when force is used, it is called sexual molestation or in Layman's term, it was rape. Is that what you want to hear? Does it makes you feel better?" kataku dengan perassan geram. "How could you think I willingly give myself to that bastard!"

"He didn't used any protection. I think he did it on purposed. Then I realized I was late with my period that's when Ghazz brought me to the clinic for a check-up. I didn't even know it was an abortion clinic until you mentioned earlier." I stopped and light up a cigarette and stood next to the window.

"Cool it babe,….you may think I sound inconsiderate but I am trying to build up a case against him once Ghazz is deported back to Malaysia." Hans came closer and took the cigarette from my me. He took a puff and another.....

Aku terdiam and looked the other way. Lidahku kelu….terasa macam I’m being selfish….was I? Kenapa aku rasakan Hans acting more like a lawyer rather than a concern husband.  

"Hans, I feel you are acting like a lawyer. You do not have to build a case against Ghazz….let the lawyers do their job….." aku cuba menyedarkan Hans. "And by the way since when you started smoking?"

Hans replied, "Since just now....."

"Tika, listen to me…..I tak bermaksud begitu. It’s just me being concern about your well-being."Hans memujukku.

"Has he......being deported back to Malaysia?" Aku ingin tahu.

"Nope he is still in Budapest. There will be another hearing before the judge decides whether there are enough evidence to take him to trial against his illegal money laundering activities not only in Hungary but also Romania and Slovakia." Hans explained and he finished off my cigarette.

Sungguh besar rangkaian aktiviti Ghazz semasa di Budapest. I hope he rot in jail for all I care.

"You seem to know a lot with what’s going on with Ghazz. How were you able to keep track of his activities?" tanyaku.

"En. Ahmad from Malaysian Embassy has been updating me with the case. Anyway, my concern is you. Only you. Ok, I am sorry and let’s forget about the lawyers and the case.  It is not fair that you went through all the pain alone. I was not there to protect you. I blame myself every day and when I saw you at the abortion clinic I promise myself that I will continue to make it up to you.  Make up all the pain, suffering, anguish, and the abuse." Hans was apologetic and sympathized with me.

"So, basically every time you tengok I, it is more or less timbul perasaan kesian?" aku counter attack Hans.

"Please don’t twist my words around, Tika. That's not fair. You know how I feel about you." He immediately pull me in his arms and hugged me tight.

Credit to Joey Coco and You Tube

Ahhh....I feel so helpless in his arms. "Hans, I minta maaf banyak-banyak sebab I am not what you expect me to be. Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I should have died in order to protect myself from being raped by Ghazz. I memang malu sangat dengan you. But I bersyukur sangat yang you masih mahu menerima I eventhough you tahu I tak suci lagi. Please don't let go. Just hold me a bit longer. I have missed you so much. You have been very patient with me throughout this ordeal. Thank you love."

"Don't apologized. It is not your fault. I love my Tika of who she is, alright. I am not going anywhere, babe. You're the only one for me. Meeting you was my destiny.......setiap manusia ada macam-macam cubaan dalam hidup mereka and that includes you and me....Allah menguji umatnya kerana Dia tidak mahu kita lupa padaNya."

"You know what,......Heaven made you specially for me", and I looked up at him....we kissed passionately.