Chapter 1 - Sampai Kapan

Assalamualaikum!

Welcome to this new blog.

I am experimenting something new here. I am not a fictional writer but I would like to try my hand in fictional writing. Stories featured here are totally made up. If similarities occur, they are just coincidental. Most of the story line are inspired and created along from songs I loved listening so much by Maliq and d'Essentials and several other artist.

If  this doesn't worked out well as I planned, I will scrap this idea. Have fun reading.

I am sorry I am not able to cater a full English composition as I write purely from my imagination. Hence I have to use the combination of both Malay and English. So here it goes.....

Characters:

Atikah/Tika
Hans Azman

Part 1.

Pagi itu aku nekad untuk bertemu Hans di tempat yang kami rancangkan. Perjalanan yang memakan masa selama satu setengah jam terasa lama untuk sampai.

Am I excited to see him? Yes of course. Lama tak bertentangan mata dengan Hans. Ada perasaan rindu creeping up in me. Tapi aku tak mahu admit it.

Feeling guilty? Yes of course. Tapi kenapa aku buat kerja bodoh ni? Berdosa Tika, berdosa. Ahhh! Aku jumpa Hans saja, bukannya buat apa-apa pun…..kata-kata itu seolah menenangkan perasaan ku.

Pertemuan yang tak disangka 2 minggu lalu di Starbucks Cyberjaya is the result of this second meeting. 

"Hello, excuse me....Hans, right? What are you doing in my corner of the world?", aku menyapa jejaka yang beratur dihadapan ku.

Jejaka tadi menoleh belakang. "Eh, hi. How are you?", he was surprised and look puzzled to see me. "What are you doing here?", sambil memerhati sekeliling. Aku pun memandang sekeliling kehairanan.

"I am good and how have you been? Dah lama sangat rasanya tak dengar any news from you", aku membalas.

He smiled. "Yeah, yeah, I'm alright".

After paying for his coffee he told the barrister over the counter, "I'll pay whatever this lady's buying...".

"OK Sir...", said the barrister.

"Eh,...Hans it's okay....", aku tersengih malu.

"No, no,...it's on me...ok. I insist", he said.

As I walked to collect my hot Caramel Latte, I saw him stood there and smiled. "You're alone?", he asked.

Aku mengangguk.

"If you are not too busy, wanna join me for coffee here?", he asked.

Would I? Well, why not. He is not that of a stranger to me. We have met occasionally in the last 2 years.

"Sure,....I like that.....", I smiled back at him.

We talked mostly about work and family. It was very comfortable talking with Hans. Suddenly I felt like I found my last piece of puzzle. He is a good listener. Sedar tak sedar, kami bersembang lebih 2 jam.

"Well Hans, I have to go. Thanks so much for the coffee but I have a few errands to run. Anyhow it was really nice seeing you again", as I grabbed my cellphone on the table.

"Yeah, yeah,...I don't want to keep you here too long. And thank you very much for keeping me company.", he said sambil menghulurkan tangan untuk bersalam.

"No problem....it was my pleasure...", sambil menyambut salamnya.

"Perhaps we can do this again? Soon?", Hans asked.

"Boleh, Call me....?", aku tersenyum sebelum berlalu.

As I walk to leave the table, I turned around and asked him, "Do you still have my number?"

He immediately replied, "Yes, yes I do".

Good. He still has my number.

Part 2.

Pagi itu aku sampai di Avillion about 7:30 pagi. Anyway kami janji nak jumpa pada pukul lapan. So, I still have lots of time. Aku melayan lagu-lagu from Malliq and d’Essentials. Setiap lagu dari album-albumnya ada dalam cellphone aku. Sejak aku mengenali Hans, begitulah bait-bait senikata lagu mereka mengambarkan hubungan aku dan Hans. Lagu 'Sampai Kapan' berkali-kali aku putarkan. Aku cuba untuk compose myself. This will be our second meeting, which I named it as 'the expectation phase'. 

Credit to YouTube and Warner Music Indonesia

menantikanmu dalam jiwaku
sabarku menunggu
berharap sendiri
aku mencoba
merindukan bayangmu
karena hanyalah bayanganmu yang ada

Lyric was S.P.O.T     O.N!!

You are here now, Tika. Apa yang nak ditunggu lagi. Pergi lah jumpa Hans. That’s what you have been planning since last week. I sat in the car, having an internal monologue with myself. Tapi kenapa aku nervous semacam. Kaki aku seperti kaku, my palms are all sweaty and jantung berdegup dengan kencang. Dahaga. Ya, aku dahaga sangat. Kering tekak aku.

hangat mentari dan terangnya rembulan
mengiringi hari-hariku yang tetap tanpa kehadiranmu
indahnya pelangi yang terbit kala sinar matamu menembus relung hatiku

pantaskah diriku ingin mengharapkan
suatu yang lebih dari hanya sekedar perhatian
dari dirimu yang kau anggap biasa saja

atau mestikah ku simpan dalam diri
lalu kuendapkan rasa ini terus selama-lamanya

After bumping into Hans at Starbucks tempoh hari, kerap juga aku menerima messages from him. Nothing much sekadar bertanya khabar....occasionally he will text me at least once every other day.

Until one day, I received an unusual text message from him.

Buzz....Buzz...

> Hi. Can I call you? Like, right now? <

Eh, pelik pulak dia ni. Kalau nak call, call aje la. Kenapa dia nak hantar text message dulu? Then I replied his message.

> Hans, is everything ok? Sure, I'll wait for your call. <

Aku tiba-tiba tersentak dari lamunan.

"Oh boy...I think this is a huge mistake! Coming here and meeting Hans like this. I don't think I can do this. This was a stupid idea!" ……aku berkata out loud sambil mengeleng-gelengkan kepala. "Ok, I will call Hans and tell him that I have an emergency at work and tak dapat jumpa dia….yes!…..". Aku mengetap bibir.

Aku tune down the music volume dan terus speed dail nombor Hans. Deringan yang pertama…..deringan yang kedua…..click. Aku hang-up the phone. Tiba-tiba phone aku berdering. It's Hans. Tertera jelas namanya on screen.

Hans : "Hi Babe, what are you still doing in the car?"

Shit he knows I’m here already.

Hans : "Are you chickening out?"

Damn Hans, kau cabar aku ya?

Me : "Eerrk, hi Hans. No, no,…I baru sampai and I thought I'd call you first just to check kalau you dah sampai. Tapi you tak jawab call I so I hang-up".

Aku tercari-cari juga kelibat Hans,…where is he? Macamana dia tahu aku dah sampai? Berapa lama dah dia perhatikan gelagat aku?

Hans : "Well, I dah ada kat belakang kereta you ni and walking towards your side of the car."

Aku toleh ke belakang and there he was….hmmmm, kacaknya kau Hans.

diriku cinta dirimu
dan hanya itulah satu
yang aku tak jujur kepadamu
kuingin engkau mengerti
mungkinkah engkau sadari
cinta yang ada di hatiku
tanpa sepatah katapun ku ucapkan padamu

Part 2.

He held out his hand and willingly aku menyambut as I stepped out of the car. Terasa kehangatan gengaman tangan dan jari jemarinya tapi mata ni masih malu untuk bertentangan mata dengan Hans.

"I am happy to see you, babe", as he called me.

"Babe?", I asked. Does he thinks it sounds cool? Kononnya. He just smile. I guess I am alright with that….I put on a smiled and replied, "Yes, I am happy to see you too..."Aku membalas genggamannya.

Tangan aku tak dilepaskannya. His thumb keep caressing my palm. Though I am enjoying the touch timbul pula rasa bersalah.Tetapi aku hanyut.....aku membisu and allow him to lead the way. Macam-macam yang bermain di dalam kotak fikiran aku but I feel at ease right here, right now.

Aku merasakan satu beban yang aku tanggung have been lifted up of my shoulder. Aku lupa keperitan yang aku tanggung. Aku tinggalkan semua masalah the moment I get off my car.

I just want to be with Hans............

"Kita duduk di Avi Lounge dulu and talk, ok? Let's have breakfast. Mesti you laparkan. Are you alright with that?" Now we are are standing facing each other. Our eyes are locked. Aku dah tak boleh lari lagi. Aku terus mengangguk sambil melabuhkan punggung aku di atas kerusi empuk, semacam kena pukau. Soalan demi soalan di ajukan pada aku. 

Credit to Google Search and Avi-Spa Lounge, Avillion Port Dickson

Aku beranikan diri untuk mengalihkan pandangan kearah luar dinding berkaca. Beautiful view. Laut luas, luas seluas perasaan gementar ni. There were no other guest, hanya kami berdua dan seorang waitress. 

Ingatan ku melayang kembali pada panggilan yang aku terima tempoh hari dari Hans.....

Cellphone ku berdering lalu ku angkat.

Me : "Hello?" aku jawab.

Hans : "Hi. I hope you are not too busy? Can we talk for a bit? Ada perkara penting I nak cakap", Hans said on the other end.

Me : "Boleh. Kenapa ya? You sound so serious? So what's up?', aku jawab.

Hans : "Eerrmmm......,can we meet? Somewhere? Outside?", Hans suggested

Me : "Ok, sure. Is everything alright? Suara you macam ada problem saja?", jawab ku pendek.

Hans : "I have been thinking about this quite a while....". He replied.

Me : "Thing? What thing?", aku terasa pelik dengan jawapan Hans.

Hans : "This thing.....about you and me", jawab Hans dengan pendek.

Aku jadi blank,...you and me? Apahal pulak ni........walaupun aku boleh agak apa yang Hans cuba katakan. Play dumb.

Me : "What's wrong, did I said something wrong?". Aku perlukan penjelasan dari Hans.

Iddin : "No....Ok. macam ni. I nak you keep an open mind, just hear me out dulu than you can judge me.", he said.

Wow aku mula suspense dengan statement yang di ungkap tadi.

Me : "Shoot. I'm listening", aku kata.

Hans : "Lepas kita jumpa di Starbucks tempohari, banyak perkara yang I fikirkan. I have been keeping this thing dah lama sangat. You know what,  never mind forget it". He stopped.

I am like, WHAT?

Me : "Hans please don't do this. You have my fullest attention. Suspend I dengar. Or else I'm going to hang-up!", tegas aku.

Quiet.

Me : "Hans....?"

Senyap.

Me : "I am hanging up now...."

Hans : "Tika, Ï have fallen for you....I nak you tinggalkan dia. I love you and I need you.".

Aku terduduk.

Hans tapped my shoulder dan aku tersedar dari lamunan ku. "Jauh you menggelamun?", Hans asked. I looked at him and smile.

"I am hungry can we order something to eat?" Aku cuba mengalih perhatian Hans. Hans seated next to me and said, "No worries, I dah arranged semuanya". Hmm...I like a man who takes control. Selama ini aku lah yang kena jaga hati orang sampai hati sendiri luka.  Sekali-sekala ada orang layan aku macam ni rasa special pulak....

"You tau I nak makan apa?" aku tanya.

"Yes of course. I know that you will always start with orange juice, croissant with butter, omelette and finish off dengan black coffee". Aku tersenyum. Did he say, Always? Dude, you did your research well in advanced. Wow that's a plus point from me. Blink! Blink! I smiled again sambil memerhatikan gelagatnya.

Pagi tu Hans cukup menawan. Memang buat aku cair. Generally speaking dia tak la sekacak Brad Pitt, idaman hati aku atau seromantic Javier Bardem dalam Eat Pray Love, tapi different people have different taste kan? He's my taste and perfect to my liking. To me dia sangat gentleman and I noticed he left his ego in KL this morning. Why? Sebab aku difahamkan Hans mempunyai ego yang tinggi.

Berkemeja Ralph Lauren dark blue dengan lengan panjang yang di lipat hingga ke paras siku. Di padankan dengan seluar juga dari jenama yang sama dan berkasut loafer. He looks so attractive. I like it. Smart and casual.

                                                                                    

"You look good. I tak pernah tengok you macam ni. Selalunya nampak you in tight cycling attire….." Hans cut in, "Babe, I nak jumpa buah hati mestilah nak give a good impression". He winked.

Ok…aku tak tahu mana nak sorok muka aku yang terasa bahang kepanasan…..so aku sekarang buah hati dia lah ni. Aku tersenyum malu.

He continued, "As usual you look radiant. Perfectly dressed for any occasion. I like your sense of style, rugged, relaxed yet classy". Again he put me at the spotlight. Tersipu-sipu dibuatnya.

"Thanks. Jangan puji sangat. I can't take it any more. You're torturing me.....", and we laughed. "Anyway that was very sweet of you to mention it. Mestilah nak jumpa buah hati kan....."aku memerli Hans. Kah, kah, kah.....

Credit to http://www.fashiondivadesign.com/

"Äre those diamond earings?", he asked.

"Aha, why? aku tanya.

"Nice touch. It really compliment the entire combination. Untung siapa kahwin dengan you. Confident, independent and has a mind of her own", sambil Hans menyentuh my diamond earings.

Aku gugup and terus mengalih pandangan ku pada cellphone yang terletak di atas meja. "Sorry, I didn't mean to.......", he said as though he understood the rejection. Aku buat-buat busy looking through my messages and looked up to him, "Hmm...,oh, it's okay", I replied.

Finally, the waitress arrived with our breakfast. Yes, aku lapar sangat. Instantly Hans passed me the orange juice dan aku terus meneguk tanpa berhenti sehingga habis. Selesai saja baru aku perasan yang Hans asyik memerhatikan tingkah laku ku. Eeewww, malunya….

"Do you want another glass of orange juice?" He asked seakan diperli.

Part 3.

Aku terasa muka semacam merah padam.  Aku senyum malu lantas menjawab, "Yes, please but just plain water with sliced lemon". He smiled.

"You’re nervous now?" he asked.

I smiled, "Kind off but I am fine. Tu lah you terlampau memuji I, I rasa segan dengan you."

Hans replied, "I said only the truth.".

Kami berbual tentang our school years sambil menikmati breakfast. He was from a boarding school and active in sports. He is a health conscious freak. No rice, lots of protein, less carbo and lots of vegie. Kelakar jugak Hans ni. He does cracked me up with his silly jokes. Personally masa first time kenal dia macam berlagak sombong.  Self-centered. Nakkan attention lah tu......Apa yang aku perhatikan setiap kali dia bercakap atau bercerita dia pasti memandang tepat ke arah ku. Eye contact dia very strong. Tak macam aku, bila bercerita mata ku melilau nak avoid mata Hans.

Selesai sesi 'ice-breaker',….hahaha….Hans bertanya, "Does he know you are here?" Aku jawab dengan pantas, "No". Hans mengangguk.

"Since we are here I nak tanya sikit dengan you. You fahamkan kenapa I initiate this meeting?" Aku mengangguk lalu tunduk sambil membelek-belek Iphone6 yang terletak atas peha aku. He grabbed my hands and that made me looked up at him.

"Tika, I really like you the very first time he introduced you to me. Kalau dulu orang cakap cinta padang pertama tu karut, I la orang pertama agree with that statement. But now I tewas dengan ke-egoan I sendiri. When I laid my eyes on you......I know I had to have you.....I don't know...somehow I feel connected to you....I tak dapat nak fully describe the feeling but it's there.".

This is heavy stuff.....He sounded serious.

"I want you dalam hidup I. I want to hear your voice any time of the day. I tak mahu menipu diri I lagi. Have you thought about leaving him?". Aku angguk.

"Once I did not turn up to a party at the very last minute. I tahu you definitely will be there since he will be there, too. Maybe you tak perasan. Do you know why? It's agonizing for me to watch you from a far. Not get a chance to stand next to you and have a decent conversation. But I respect him as a friend and I tak mahu sampai ego I tercabar. You faham tak?"

Aku mengangguk faham. 

Still sitting and facing him, he went on, "Babe, let's just keep this between us. This is our secret. I nak you exist dalam hidup I. Tika, I tak mahu kehilangan you walaupun I sendiri tahu yang I tak akan dapat memiliki you sepenuh nya". 

"I am not asking much. I want to meet you once in a while and we enjoy each other's company.", he tried to convince me.

Aku terpaku. I don’t know how to react. The moment I blinked I could feel  tears rolling down my face. "This is crazy kan…, Hans?". I said softly and instantly he wiped those tears with his thumbs. I need to get up and get some fresh air.

"Hans, please excuse me....I just need to compose myself. I'll be right back.".  Hans let go of my hands and I stood up.

Sitting on the toilet bowl in one of the cubicle is not a fun thing to do. Then I started to sob. Kenapa aku perlu menangis? Terharu dengan rayuan Hans? Gementar for why I got myself into this shit? Takut? Ya takut kepada dosa yang aku buat. 

Then I heard someone knocked on my cubical door. A lady‘s voice. "Mam, are you alright? Is everthing ok?"

Cepat-cepat aku mengesat mata ku yang semakin membengkak. Aku jawab, "Yes I am fine, thank you".

I stepped out of the cubicle, it was the lounge waitress and she said , "The gentleman outside is concern and wants to know if you are alright".

"Yes, yes I am fine. Could you please let him know I’ll be right out?".

"Yes, mam".

"Thanks." aku jawab and mengesat air mata…

Oh Hans…..how did we get ourselves in this huge mess.......

Part 4.

"Are you alright? I was so worried. No...,...don't cry Babe. I'm sorry for what I put you through....". He walked directly towards me and aku terus mengenggam tangan Hans just to assure him that I am alright. I lean and grabbed my LV handbag.

" Let’s go for a walk......", I said and led the way out of Avi Lounge.

We headed to the beach. Tangan ku masih mengenggam erat tangan Hans. Aku tak mahu melepaskannya.

Credit to cllaborativedisvorceoptions.com and Google images

Aku tahu ianya mustahil dan tak masuk akal. Inilah yang dikatakan hasutan syaitan…ah….aku makin sesak dalam kekusutan ini. Hans menurut saja kemahuanku tanpa berkata apa-apa dan membalas genggaman tangan aku.

Suasana waktu tu sangat nyaman. Redup dan dituruti dengan angin yang sepoi-sepoi bahasa. Hanya kami berdua saja yang berjalan di tepian pantai. What should I say to Hans? Takkan lah aku nak berdiam seribu bahasa.

Tangan Hans aku lepaskan..."Hans", dan berhenti berjalan. Aku membuka kasut lalu menjinjing kasut ku dan terasa kasarnya pasir di tapak kaki. 

"You know what, I am in deep shit as deep as it could ever be". Biarlah Laut Selat Melaka ini menjadi saksi aku meluahkan perasan ni….

"I faham apa yang you expect from me, Hans. Bertepuk sebelah tangan tak kan berbunyi. It takes 2 to tango.  Seriously I memang tak boleh commit to this relationship. It is impossible. I ada hidup I and you have yours. If both collide hancur Hans.....But I can promise you that I will always be your friend, forever. You tahu tak mula-mula dulu I tak suka sangat you sebab sikap egoist you but as time passes by, I feel you are not such a bad guy after all.". 

I stared to the open ocean where big ships sailed by far away in middle of the ocean. It's moving slowly sama seperti butiran kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutku.

"For whatever reason, that I need to dive straight into your heart to discover the real Hans. Here's the truth from my side of the story. Ya I akui memang ada simpan perasaan terhadap you but I tahu you juga tak akan menjadi milik I. Adakalanya you akan muncul dalam fikiran I. Hati I tertanya I wonder what is he doing now, you dah makan ke, or are you at work and so on…..tapi setakat itu saja sebab I tak boleh impikan sesuatu lebih dari itu. You tahu kan kedudukan I. Kalau apa yang you cakap tadi datang dari hati you seikhlasnya, so be it. Kita tak boleh paksa seseorang jatuh cinta dengan sendiri, perasaan tu harus dipupuk dan mesti ada kejujuran. Sedangkan I sendiri tak jujur dengan situasi I". 

Aku kuis pasir dengan ibu jari kaki ku while waiting for Hans reaction. 

Hans started to walk towards the ocean and I followed behind. Letting the waves swept his feet, he held his hands high above his head.

"Kalau I am game…", tetapi belum sempat aku menghabiskan ayat aku, Hans mencelah, "Babe this is not a game. I’m very serious when it comes to relationships".

"What do you expect me to do, leave him? You gila ke? As much as I longed for you I tak sanggup menghancurkan perasaan dia". 

"Habis tu, perasaan I macamana? You jugak yang cakap he is not treating you right....", said Hans.

                    

"Jangan pentingkan diri you Hans......". Aku meninggikan suara.

"You faham tak? I tak mahu kehilangan you,….", he shouted out loud to the ocean. 

Sunyi........

Hanya kedengaran deruman ombak yang berkali-kali memecah pantai. 

Aku buntu….secretly, yes I am falling for him. "Hans", aku memanggilnya. Hans diam membatu tak bergerak walau seinci. "Hans", aku mengubah tona suara ku lebih lembut….masih diam.

"Yes babe", dia jawab dam memandang aku.

"I don’t want to lose you either. I too have feelings for you. Tapi…"

"Enough. Let’s not talk about this for now". Kedengaran kekecewaan dalam suara Hans.

Aku berkeras. "No Hans, we settle this once and for all".

"Cakaplah apa yang you nak cakap. I, I tak sanggup.....". he said as though he gave up.

"Please jangan macam tu Hans. I'll be the woman in your life but when comes the time you found someone else yang sesuai untuk menjadi pengganti isteri you, go. I am not going to stop you. I tak ada hak nak halang you. Like what we agreed earlier tidak ada commitment. I'll be there for you until the day you want to fly off and leave the nest. I have nothing against your decision".

Aku rasa serba tak kena..."I am so tense now Hans, I just wanna go. It's going to be along journey back home for me." sambil mengeluarkan sekotak rokok Dunhill. 

I was just about to light a cigarette, Hans came towards me and gently put his left hand on my neck. The cigarette just fell right off my hand.

"Listen, I nak you faham yang I am in love with you, Tika.".

"I tahu, Hans...I tahu....", then he took my right hand and placed it on his chest…."Can you feel that? That’s my heart beating. It’s yearning for your approval to love me back". The next thing I realized I was already in his arms. Aku membiarkan angin merakam keasyikan aku di buai dalam pelukan Hans. Then I listen to his heartbeat.......

oh sayang
dapatkah aku memanggilmu sayang

sampai kapan
akupun tak sanggup tuk pastikan
kudapat memendam seluruh rasa ini

dengarlah jeritan hatiku untukmu oh
dan aku ingin engkau mengerti apa yang dihatiku
sanubariku kita kan berdua selamanya

Credit to truelyweddingblog.com and Google search

"Hans,…"

"Yes Babe?"

"Jangan tinggalkan I……"

"I janji I akan tunggu you....."

"Whatever it takes.....?"

"Yes babe, whatever it takes......."